Do the hangman honey
Ok, so this short story is a personal experience of how I changed an old pattern that is rooted deeply into my belief system. And while writing this I decided to not judge me and look what the most healing apporach for my situation would be - jump in the cold water and do exactly what I'd be most afraid of.
So since a year, the three of us in faith. We haven't had much work lately and our savings are all used up. Currently, we have 14 Quetzal, that is two Dollars. With one of the last three Dollars we had, I bought the two other a package of cigarettes. One of several ones I bought for them and of course is a challenge for my EGO by itself.
We came home after going through town helping some people, talking and inspiring souls, teaching about new sciences, orgonite and health. I gave away 3 Orgonite pucks for people, one for a meal, one for medicine, the third one as thank you for a friend.
I felt a bit irritated in the morning, throughout the day I was fine. Coming home, I instantly got super irritated. This is why:
Both the guys had some pizza leftovers. I asked one of them if I could have a piece, he said yes, but the way he said it made me feel that he was annoyed by me asking for it. So I didn't take a piece. Because he is in a lot of pain, the other guy asked me to heat up the two pieces in a pan with butter. I did so and gave him both pieces. Which he ate next to me. Quite quick and with noises of content. I couldn't resist getting irritated. Why? Well,
a) because I didn't take on for myself even though I asked and he said yes - the reason for it being assumptions I had
about his reaction
b) because I expected him to ask or consider me whether I had a piece or not and
c) because he didn't say thank you. He is psychic and feels it very well.
So I went into the kitchen and ate some oatmeal (we don't have too much food left) because I am constantly hungry and can't stop thinking about food, which I judge myself for, because my friend has so much pain and I don't want to be a burden and eat stuff when I don't really need it. After I ate my oatmeals, I joined them watching some bible stuff on TV and they left the room some minutes after me joining, which triggered me. Now I sit here and try to observe my feelings and take a productive approach instead of a distructive reactional approach.
Mainly, I am pissed at myself for not acting upon my anger. I should have just asked for a piece and taken one, because he said yes. But I didn't. So I am pissed at myself because I assumed he wouldn't like me if I take one, which was the reason for me not to take a piece. He didn't respond, because he knows my game, which makes me even more pissed. And then I am also pissed because I think so much at food when I don't want to. So actually, I am frustrated because I come to realize how much power I give him and his reaction and how I let my fear of rejection control me. And that makes me feel ashamed of myself of course...
So yeah, realizing this, I try to be nice to myself and ask, why can't I take what I want. And the reason is, because I want people to like me. And I want people to like me because when they don't I think I must be bad and therefore can't like myself. I was always very sensitive when it comes to people disliking my behaviour, because it was often somewhat disliked (in my perception). So I can't really like myslef when others dislike me. But then I also look for signs of dislike or disapproval, only to reconvince myself, that I have to better myself. And hence I don't get to the point of loving myself while being annoying and disliked by others... sounds familiar? And let's be real right now: doesn't it suck? I mean, how much power do I give away about how I feel about myself through these assumptions and little fears of being disliked or not get approval. A lot, I admit...
So what do I do now? I am ashamed of talking to them, because I think it is so silly and stupid and all my fault anyways. And if I do talk to them, and they agree with me and are sorry, then I feel bad. So either way, it is (in my perception) a no-go. And that is exactly what I am going to do now.
Also, I realize, that I want them to realize why I am pissed and come ask me about it. It is childish behaviour. I have to be tough now and talk. I start sweating thinking about it.
But So I did. I went into the room and talked. And the reaction was very different than what I expected. I was afraid they might argue or laugh about my issue, but instead my friend just said, ah ok. I explained my situation and he asked about my dad. So I started to talk that my dad got beaten by his father and neglected for a week as a baby on the kitchen counter by his mom. I never really knew his partents, I was just somewhat afraid of them. My dad never showed his emotions and it took ages, until he'd show anger. But when he did, he did! So I just seem to be afraid of anger, about what could come out of me. Because I know my anger can come out explosive – and mostly, when it is too late.
But the talk helped, in 3 minutes my anger was gone and I was proud that I stood up for myself. And nobody thought I am childish or silly (that's at least what I think), maybe also because they know I have OCD.
So here is the clue to this lesson: To find the god within, you have to go the opposite way. Do the hangman, do what the EGO wants to prevent you from doing. All your muscles and everything in your body becomes uncomfortable by doing so, but the rewards are bigger than any form of gift you can get, because what it does, is, it gives you the power back of your own will, your own life! You change your belief and change this situation from happening the same way again - and your body now believes you!
You start to own your life again. It doesn't come from outside, it comes from within! It really does.
So I really encourage you, try it in little steps. Do the things you want but never dared.
I write here while helping a doctor in Guatemala treating indigenous people for free. Our goal is to create a self sustainable healing center, where we educate and treat people about / with alternative medicine and noutrition, as well as growing healthy food and doing lab research. I don't get paid and write about my life in order to make a little extra moneyfor food and needs. So all kind words, resteems and upvotes are very appreciated!
More Information:
www.cryptonutsandbolts.com/blog
