What do I think of when I hear the word, "Adoption?" I think of myself, the tiny, innocent and fragile baby that I once was. When I hear the word, "adoption," to this day, 22 years old the one feeling that always floods my body is anger. But what is anger? As my counselor has told me, anger can be positive. Anger is described as a primary emotion which has evolved as a way of surviving and protecting yourself from what is considered a wrong-doing.
Do I feel that my adoption was a wrong-doing? No, because I was placed with a loving and caring family. My anger stems from my biological mom and the fact that my adoption was a closed adoption. For me, my anger comes from my birth mother never following through. She had me at the hospital but never took me home. I forgive her because she couldn't have possibly raised me at 18 years old on her own - if I didn't forgive her I would be ignorant.
Anger though, is a strong emotion. Through working with my counselor, I've learned how to view anger as a positive. I've always told my parents and counselor that there's a hole that I need to fill in my heart. I need proof that my biological mother exists, (as I know absolutely nothing about her), in order for my anger to go away. The other day, my counselor enlightened me with two points - one that the hole to fill is me as a baby, as I re-live the vulnerability that I experienced from day one and to acknowledge it. The second point that she made was that the proof that my biological mother exists is me - and that's the most powerful proof.
What's under that anger you may ask? Vulnerability. As I've grown up, I've realized that vulnerability has crept up into my life at different times, with friendships and relationships. Since I was young, I've always felt like I needed to be protected because I was afraid of being emotionally attacked. This vulnerability was produced the moment that my biological mother handed me off. This vulnerability has stuck with me for my entire life and may for the rest of my life.
I reached out to my birth mom a few years ago and the agency sent me a letter saying she did not want me to contact her and she had her own family. Finding that letter at 12 years old killed me. The vulnerability, shame, depression and anger set in even more. I felt worthless.
What is most important is that I do not let these feelings consume me because they do not define me. To this day, I have anxiety of abandonment. I don't like to be alone and I often need to be reassured (even from my parents) that they're not going to leave me. This is something I've been working on with my counselor and learning to live in silence - to be alone and appreciate the silence.
Adoption, I used to think of it as a bad thing and I had so much negative energy towards the idea. But with years of work and time, that's transformed. Yes, I still feel angry but now, it's a good anger. I realize that I will probably never get to know who I came from, what my mother and father looked like, or even what their names were. But, rather than being shy and being afraid to tell people I'm adopted - today, I am proud to say that I am adopted. I am an individual that is unique, loving, compassionate and hard working.
Adoption means that you have the chance to share your strength, wisdom, power, confidence and love with others!
To all you other adoptees out there, I want you to know that no matter your adoption circumstances, you are LOVED, you are APPRECIATED and you have battled many hardships and should feel proud of who you are. XOXO, Ilona.
