Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Intermission No. 5 Part 61 Part 62 Part 63 Part 64 Part 65 Part 66 Part 67 Part 68 Part 69 Part 70 Part 71 Part 72 Part 73 Part 74 Part 75 Part 76 Part 77 Part 78
I sat in my mini cooper in the airport drop off long past the security attendants’ urge for me to move on. He didn’t harass me, however, I’m sure he was well aware how difficult it could be to drive when attempting to see through a wall of water.
Sooner or later I had to go home to nothing but myself, an empty house, an empty bed, and an empty heart.
I couldn’t believe I was really living this. He was already fading from me. My still conditioned brain would visualize his exuberance at meeting up with her again, which tortured me even more. I wanted to text him...but I didn’t. I wanted to call him...I didn’t do that either. I wondered if he was thinking of me, worried about me, wondering what I was doing without him now, simply wishing he would reach out to me. But he didn't.
I didn’t dare enter my bedroom. I sat in the middle of my living room floor in a house full of silence. I just sat there for hours without water, without food, nearly without breath. I didn’t even bother to light a fire to keep myself warm or to add an amber glow to the room.
What does one do with a pain like this? What does one do when love no longer answers your call? What does one do to get inspired to live again...to breathe again….to love again? To simply get up and put one foot in front of the other?
I fell asleep sometime between the moon's glow and the rising sun. My sleep was short and interrupted, uncomfortable and unsettling. He wasn’t entwined with me like he did when we slept, so I had the present reminder he wasn’t there beside me. My eyes ached from so much crying, my heart ached from the intensity of exploding, my mind ached from thinking of him so much, and my body was exhausted from processing so much energy.
I finally got off the floor to take a pee and to grab myself a glass of water. I wrapped in a blanket and sat in the cold air on the back deck, facing east as the sunrise dusted my face at the break of day.
I decided it would be in my best interest to breathe again, and to get a grip on myself as I was well aware that this was just the beginning. In these moments I was grateful to be adept at meditation to be able to just sit and take it all in, as I felt there was nothing else I could do.
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