Every so often over the course of my years maintaining a meditation practice I’ve gone through periods where I feel a persistent undercurrent of somber nihilistic dissociation manifest itself my waking life. It seems that everywhere I go and everyone I interact with has this little ghastly caveat following them around, like some sort of nihilistic Pokemon. This caveat’s special power is just to continually chirp “and that’s just your perception”. At times this instils a kind of subtle nauseous claustrophobia, a feeling of forever being stuck inside my own head despite the paradox of everything I care about and strive towards being extrinsic to me.
Intellectually, I’ve sometimes tried to describe this phenomenon as a product of confronting what appears to be the unity of experience, or the “one-ness” of things. This sometimes generates a sense of calm joy, even a slight euphoric glow, but I think it is important to discuss the flip-side of this coin as well.
My most recent encounter with this has felt firmly rooted in contemplating the limits of individual perception. So much of the anxiety I feel day-to-day seems to be generated by anticipating what kind of feedback I will be receiving from the outside world. Whether this be from students, family, or people listening to my music, this anticipation drives equal parts ambition and anxiety. But when these anticipated events come to pass, it’s as if they never become fully real , and then they quickly fade only to immediately be replaced by yet another goal. We never fully make contact with anything outside our perception, all we have is our own personal filter.
Of course, this observation in and of itself can (and probably should) be seen as yet another illusion. Just as the self is an illusion, so is the separation from the world. Though scientifically
this seems like a bit of a fallacy, from a mindfulness perspective this seems to fall into the category of “not necessarily true in a physical sense” but ultimately very “useful”.
I recognize that this mindset is something that can be equal parts destructive and important. It seems to be able to fuel the most sinister forms of moral relativism that threaten to undermine our current society, while also being a powerful lesson in the ultimate subjectivity of experience that necessitates the best science we human meat sacks can create. I also think that there is a tendency, especially in our current climate to elevate mindfulness and meditation to this totally unrealistic untouchable place, where it is smooth sailing the whole time until you’ve generated perfect equanimity. We spend too little of the time discussing the harrowingly difficult parts of a meditation practice, though I find these aspects ultimately to stimulate the most lasting change.
I’d love to hear if other people have had experiences similar to this in their daily practice!
That’s all for now!