Sometimes, I really wonder why the supreme artist puts, what seems, a uneven almost spiteful limit on our time in this field of experience. So many things are gone in the blink of an eye and other things linger well past their expiration date. Some things come extremely fast, so fast, one is unable to fully enjoy them. Other things just drift off into nothingness as one waits for it's arrival. What would you do with a thirteenth hour?
Time, it's constant, a constant bitch. Even as I only sleep a few hours per day, I feel so many important things slipping out of my reach. I do achieve more in a single day than I see most people doing in two or three but I still feel violated as each minute passes. Where is the off switch or at least a pause button? So much time lost sleeping, eating, defecating and driving. So many experiences missed and path altering experiences lost.
The world is at our fingertips and we waste most of it, self gratification at a key stroke. The real world ebbing away right past the screen. I'm at fault is this experiment in disconnectedness by wires and WiFi, the same as anyone. This grand illusion of connecting, sharing and building relationships on-line. It's hard enough to know your true self, what can you really learn about someone through text on a screen? The facade they build in a digital image for all to see? So many are cool and collected and seem relaxed. Most are not acting in the moment, they are typing after reflection on what they see. Those who type in the moment, as the thoughts are clearing their frontal lobe, are often viewed as hostile or rude. They are just more real than those who wait hours to create a response in place of what they feel in the moment. More time lost, false replies, everywhere.
Such is life of a digital environment. Here there is a delete button, a pause button and an off button. Some use it some just keep exploding from one screen to the next. There is an unending supply of whatever you want in/on the Internet. It really is an amazing illusion of information and knowledge. Digital friendships that change as fast as the direction of the wind based on opinions, money, hopes of money and digital likes. It is really amazing to watch unfold. It is almost like people watching, just in their digital cage, instead of in their natural habitat. Just like monkey's at the zoo, nothing like they really are in the jungle. It's strange to think of honestly and most don't everyday. They just log in to make believe land and interact.
So what would I do with a thirteenth hour? Spend more time watching my kids sleep, watching them learn or listening to the amazing things that come out of their mouths. I am already around them all day but it isn't enough, even now I have three of them here, talking to me as I write. I started to think of this reality in full last night as my little man was sick in my arms. I was just watching him be miserable as there was little to do but hold him and try to comfort him as he threw up all down the front of me. I was pretty amazed at my composer. I am normally the one who throws up right behind someone if I am right there. That's different with my kids, I fight it back, as they need dad. It hit me right there at that moment. I had no reflex, no fight to keep down chunks.
This is my 3 y/o. My sunshine baby, one I feel, I have bonded with more since his birth. He came out so small, 1/2 the size of any of his brothers or sisters. Doctors had pretty much told us to not get our hopes up of bringing him home from the hospital. He wasn't much bigger than my hand, couldn't eat himself, breathe on his own or keep his body temperature. Talk about feeling helpless. A full grown man weeping like a toddler who lost his favorite toy. I saw something in him from the beginning, the fight to live. A strength I have seen many full grown men not be able to conjurer for a few extra hours at the end. I saw that strength again last night as he toughed out his night, with dad once again feeling helpless.
So over the next few weeks until his 4th birthday, I am going to take my 13th hour. One extra hour where I can, unplugged from the disconnectedness of the Internet. My extra gift to him for being so strong and growing into an amazing boy.
