If that's how you perceive me, it's because I talk about it a lot, mostly from a retrospective perspective. I visit the place where I grew up because I still have brothers there. The old people have all been dying for many years and as I knew many of them, I can also talk about them. The Russian-German - mostly practicing Christians - community in which I grew up is slowly dying its death.

I myself was the one who excluded myself from this form of coexistence - and of course not everything was perfect. But really, where is that the case?

I turned my back on everything, went to the city and didn't think about the fact that I then became a part of that which rejected religion, which primarily gave space to my own hedonistic needs and everything else you can imagine. So from my teens into my mid-thirties I lived quite an unconscious life and would describe myself as fully integrated in terms of fun and meritocracy. I was popular because I was a party girl and looked good etc. etc. I was successful at work because I knew how to market myself.

Until I became a mum, this life was full of adventure, fun - and of course the less enjoyable times too.

But when I had my son, everything changed in one fell swoop. I became severely depressed and walked the streets of my city and saw nothing but zombies. They all seemed remote-controlled and soulless to me. I was shocked to my core that I hadn't seen this before and I was terrified. The complete and unvarnished indifference of the city-people, their total self-centredness, their complete lack of connection to each other - it seemed to drive me out of my mind. With some effort, I somehow managed to reintegrate myself and push back the terrible desolation, the loneliness that had taken hold of me (though it never really left me, since). I had to pretend, for my son's sake, that it was all just normal, the way we all live.

I could say so much more.

From then on, many things changed for me. I didn't become my old self, but I couldn't go back to my hometown either. So I stayed where I was, brought up my son (of course the father and I separated), looked for a new relationship, failed, until I finally got together with my current husband.

I gradually withdrew from meeting up with friends as I was no longer interested in doing the same things all the time, such as going out and drinking, which had lost its appeal and seemed pointless. As a result, my social circle narrowed considerably. When 2020 finally came and I didn't want to be tested or wear a mask, I was made redundant. For me, the whole thing was rotten from the start. I was the only one in both of the centres where I had been working as a freelancer until then. There was no one, apart from me, who was so sceptical. Everyone complied. I lost the few friends I had - everything happened in such a way that people simply stopped seeing each other and that was it. So I also lost that support, my job and the friends in my city. In short, no, I'm no longer a member of society at all - I'm on the margins. It's amazing how life can twist, isn't it? I think I would do a lot of things differently today than I did.

Well, I can still say that my life has been good for the most part and is still good, as I don't have any material worries at the moment. I am blessed with a good husband and I hope that my son will make better decisions than his parents did.

What you see of me on the surface here on hive is just the surface.
I normally avoid giving such personal information, but that's what I've done. In order to respond to:

So, I would not expect you to defiantly leap out of the nonrecollection bubble just because you were expected to remain within it. I would expect you to be supportive of that purpose of the collective rather than place your personal desire to recall above the interests of the collective.

I am still not sure how to understand it but I would say that the interest of the collective seemed to differentiate from what I would say is my interest. The collective often seems to be like a mindless, conscious-less mishmash of no clear direction, even though, weirdly enough, it behaves very determined, ... zombies...