As those of you who have read some of my older posts will know, I was abused as a child for many years and due in part to that, in part to other environmental factors, and of course my own naturally screwed up brain, I have a myriad of mental issues including multiple types of depressions, OCD, anxiety, and of course PTSD to top it off.
I haven't been on steemit much at all lately. I've been in a really low point. Almost a month ago I began taking a new anti-depressant. And about two months ago I tried killing myself again. Somewhere in there I got a job working with my cousin in a different city and was staying with him.
One day he had to go through the town where live in order to get to a nursery for work. He dropped me off to pick up more shit and never came back. Most of my clothes, some of my hygiene products, my xanax (I didn't have the new anti-depressant yet,) my phone charger, and a host of other incidentals all gone. The job too of course.
Now almost all my clothes are winter clothes, truly fun trying to do odd jobs outside in 90 degree weather while wearing a insulated pair of pants and a long sleeve shirt. But at least I'll lose weight.
My hair started dying, breaking, and falling out. Not just my head hair, but my hair everywhere. My head and face were the most affected and it got so bad I had to shave my beard and cut my hair short. The doctor said as long as the medication works it should come back. I look like an angry lesbian with my hair like this.
Best friend A's girlfriend who was supposed to be my friend set up my ex I still have feelings for with best friend B. My roommate can't stand my ex and anyone who associates with her which has made group functions fantastic. BFA's girlfriend knew I still had feelings for my ex too.
But it gets worse. While I still have feelings for that girl, I'm still truly in love with another. So in love in fact that it may have hurt certain relationships I've been in. I've been madly in love with her since sophomore year in highschool. We still talk, she still knows I love her.
She's married, has two kids, and is pregnant with a third.
The kids aren't mine, but I love them like they are. They represent the woman I love being with someone else, but they are part of her, and I can't do anything but love them.
The medicine I'm on has been making me feel weird. Thats to be expected but every anti-depressant fucks with me in a different way and I'm never really sure which one I hate more.
Besides the one that made my paranoia a thousand times worse. Alarms on every window, sheets over them so nobody could see in, door double locked and barred, bedroom door barred as well panic attacks every time someone knocked...
This one isn't that bad. Just makes me feel meh a lot and is fucking with my libido. Never horny in my head, always horny... Elsewhere.
My cat TC who I'd had for 18 years, the first friend I ever had, a pillow, blanket, confidant, and brother to a royally fucked up little boy, had a stroke last week. My mother and I held him and told him we loved him as he passed away. I buried him in mother's backyard shortly after.
My best friend (best friend A) has been having his own problems and I've been trying to help him, including putting in about 6 hours at his shop last night from midnight to 6 am. That was easy. Trying to support him emotionally through his personal problems is not.
Best friend C has problems like mine and despite the fact we would take a bullet for each other, we don't talk much. He lives in a different city, neither of us appreciate the passage of time, and we both just kinda blah our whole day away every day.
We used to talk on the phone for hours and stay at each others houses for days or even weeks.
One of the medications I was prescribed costs so much and isn't covered that I haven't been able to pay for it yet. Its been almost a full month. Its also for depression, but should help my OCD and another thing or two as well.
My drive to create, which hasn't been very strong in the last several years anyway, has been mostly gone lately. This is the longest thing I've written in one go since whenever I last posted something longer here.
I played a game with my neighbor for a few hours last week. First game I'd played in over two months.
He has bed bugs, so I've been helping him move his shit to storage or a burn pile. Then stripping my clothes, throwing them in a double bag with poison, dousing my naked self in alcohol and immediately taking a hot shower.
Hot showers are great, when you can't afford air conditioning in 90+ degree weather.
My mom was going to go pay my electric bill for me. She lost half the money I gave her.
The town I live in has an opt out electrical supplier change thing. I opted out. They still switched me.
I could probably go on for a mortals version of "forever" but if you managed to make it this far I'm sure it already seems like I did. Besides, you probably get the just.
I hope you are doing better than I am. Good luck and good fortunes.
