Humans are classified as social animals, among other living beings on earth, it is a natural thing for humans to communicate with each other in order to formulate connection among each other. In the process, relationships are formed either friendship or romantic relationship.
Despite the necessity of socialisation in the lives of humans, it has never been my strong hold. I form different kind of relationship depending on the situation I'm in and once that is over, I move on to the next stage without forming any tangible attachment. It is not as if I don't care about the feelings of others or I'm not capable of showing affection, it is just that making friends is easier for me compared to keeping them.
As time goes by I realise I have a distinctive personality compared to others, instead of creating a circle of friends, I prefer to just be on my own and do things my own way but for someone who enjoys his own company my inability to feign ignorance to those in need and also go extra miles to assist others whenever it is required, goes contrary to my introverted personality.
For someone with a distinctive personality like mine, I'm more concerned about making whosoever i consider a friend happy, rather than depending on friends to make me happy. So, do I believe we humans need friends to be happy? Well, I can't really say.
Happiness is based on each individual perspective of the concept, what brings one happiness might bring another pain. The concept of happiness puts me in a dilemma, here I'm wondering if humans are capable of being happy or do we even know what it means at all, why do we find ourselves doing the opposite of things that are meant to make us happy? my mind is filled with questions like this, the funny part is I'm not even sure of what exactly is capable of making me happy.
I consider true happiness as that moment when nothing else matters, pain and sorrow have finally become a thing of the past and I can genuinely smile without thoughts or worries of what might come next or how long the moment of happiness might last or regrets of what has occurred, smiles all around my face as mighty as a rainbow, feeling of fulfillment and gratitude in the atmosphere with just one thought in my mind "Peace at last". Is there a friend who can make me feel exactly this way?
For someone like me who has experienced series of traumatic events, doubts and the feeling of uncertainties, peace of mind means everything. Here is where it gets weird, happiness to me is not 100% a personal thing, I have a selfless personality and I also care about myself a lot, I guess I can say I'm a selfless selfish person but like they say selfcare is not selfishness. My source of happiness depends two things, how I feel about myself and how I feel about others, yeah it sounds weird, let me explain.
Firstly, how I feel about myself, how I feel about the things in my personal life in general. All my life, I have always been a dreamer, I put before myself tasks and goals that will bring me one step closer to my dreams, on days when I achieve those set of goals and task I feel happy about myself and on days I'm not able to achieve those task I feel unhappy but as someone with a complex personality, I have to make sure the task and goals towards my objectives changes from time to time because if they don't I will get bored and exhausted, so instead of feeling happy, depression sets in. So my ability to make myself happy from my part is not based on a single thing or substance.
Secondly, how I feel about others. When I say "others" I meant those I sincerely care about specifically my family. My family is everything to me, their happiness is my happiness. as long as my family is fine and healthy I'm good to go. Probably if there is a friend somewhere that can assist me in getting these two factors done, well such a friend might stand a chance in making me happy but then, am I even capable of depending on a friend to make me happy? my paranoid self wouldn't allow it.
What will a life without good friends be like? It will be a life filled with paranoia. It is exhausting to constantly feel the urge to look over one's shoulders because there is no one to rely on, there is no one to share one's thoughts with. That need to always keep everything locked in due to fear of being betrayed creates some kind of black hole in a person's heart and it sucks every bit of a person's ability to trust and fills a person's mind with distrust for anyone who even dares to come close. I guess it is an expensive price to pay to protect one's heart from betrayal and disappointments.
This write-up was inspired by weekly featured content titled Friends in hive learners community.
Cover image - 𝖣𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗏𝖺
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