Do you feel it too? the constant nagging in your thought, an unwarranted questioning reminding you of the time spent. Comparing your entire life achievements to others, asking you multiple questions that is centred around one subject, when will it be your turn? When will your break through arrive? when will it all start making sense? When is that, when is this..... It becomes more intense as you feed on the thought of what should be but then it makes you wonder if this provoking questions only exist within your mind but that isn't true. You might not have been confronted by anyone yet but they are also thinking about the same thing, probably you have noticed but chose to feign ignorance to it, A wise choice I would say but what does it really solve? when everyone around you look at you as if you should have been something or somewhere but then you wonder why you haven't.
At first whatever they have to say has no effect on you, since you believe your life - your rules but then gradually the vermin thoughts began to sink in and you began to wonder, Why am I left out? My colleagues that we graduated together have all gotten jobs in gigantic companies receiving awesome salaries and initiatives. Why haven't I? I was the best student in school during our days, I got the highest grades and receive highest recognitions in terms of academics, my name was in every lecturers lips, the student couldn't breath without saying out my name. There were all sort of cheering in the hall ways whenever I walk by majestically to show off my glamorous achievements but then here I'm. When did it all go wrong?
As if excelling in academics wasn't enough to put my name on the great wall of China, I also got talents, A voice that echoes like mighty waves in the oceans, with pleasant melodies. I was recognised to an extent, given different accolades to honour my talents. What was that name I was Called? oh it was rare gem, A gem they say, how come I have not been found by anyone? Have I been forgotten so easily? in few weeks/months/years I will be 30, I have read different stories about great and successful men, they most of them had their break through before they became 30 years old, why is mine different?
You wouldn't care much but your neighbour have started gossiping, he has been single for years with no kids and a wife, what exactly is he waiting for? We all met him living in this a room apartment but it seems we will all leave him behind but we heard he was a graduate of a renowned University, We heard he was a talented singer/artist/writer but then here he is struggling with his daily expenses. It makes you wonder if it is a crime if your time is moving slower than others because any time anyone is moving pass your your doorstep or walk by you in the street you start breaking cold sweat, shivering and feeling the need to eavesdrop "They must be talking about me again, why must it be only me?" quite tormenting.
Is this what life is all about, you must have asked yourself this question a million times but I can assure you someone else asked the same question repeatedly till the heart of his audience melted. Lets take peek into few Jonathan Larson songs.
REAL LIFE WRITTEN BY JONATHAN LARSON
This song was performed by Robin de Jesus in a movie titled tick- tick boom released November 2021, a movie based on the autobiography musical career and lifestyle of Jonathan Larson, a musical writer who believes time is racing against him and believes if he doesn't achieve his goals before the age of 30 he might never be able to but unfortunately he died shortly after the realisation of his dream. The song is quite sad as its depicts reality, though it might sound like a repetition of the same statement but it is thought provoking.
Is this real life? tell me you have never asked yourself that question a few times, when life struggles becomes unmanageable, when everything above and beyond seems against you? when the earth comes crushing down and there is nowhere to run to, you might want to ask the same question, is this real life? it is quite sad that the writer of the song Jonathan Larson never got the opportunity to perform the song probably if he did he might have gotten an answer to it. But I say to you, struggles and pain is a part of life, the reality of life can't be found in fairytales, you can't run from it or hide but you can accept it and chose to move forward. Do not hover in pain, truth be told it doesn't get any easier.
You still have to wake up every morning with the same thoughts in your mind, same indecisiveness but then just know you are not the only one, Jonathan Larson has been there ones before.
Johnny Can't Decide Written by Jonathan
Performed by Andrew Garfield, Joshua Henry, and Vanessa Hudgens in the movie Tick tick boom It describes an artist comparing his life to the lives of his friends and struggling to accept his reality. Having to struggle with a thousand thoughts at the same time he is forced to hide, doesn't it sound familiar? But then here you have it, the constant nagging you experience it is just a reminder that proves you are also human which means you are also aware of your current situation, so hold on and keep pulling. Letting go of your dreams might seem like a shortcut to making your life a lot easier but know this "A human who doesn't chase his own dreams will end up serving the dreams of others."
I know what you must be thinking, what do I do with the ticking time? I'm glad you asked. Lets quickly take a look at one last piece from Jonathan Larson.
30/90 written by Jonathan Larson
Performed by Joshua Henry, and Vanessa Hudgens in the movie Tick tick boom. They say age is just a number but truly is not, the older we get the more worried we are about the things we have been able to achieve in our lives but what if I tell you it is still ok. As humans our time of breakthrough differs from each other which is dictated by a lot of choices we made and other external factors. The fact that you are yet to achieve your goals at a desired age and others have doesn't make you less a human or a failure. What exactly can you do about it? No matter what you do the clock keeps ticking, So manage your thoughts, expectations and keep putting in the work,There is light at the end of the tunnel, which can only been by those who keep moving through the tunnel no matter the hurdles"
This write-up was inspired by
soundtracks from the movie tick tick boom written by Jonathan Larson.
Cover image - 𝖣𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗏𝖺
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