"Head west"
"Do I look like I have a compass with me?" I said with grim annoyance
"Go straight and then turn left"
"Thank you, that's better you silly woman"
She went silent for a while. Perhaps I had offended her. Too much traffic for small talk...so I didn't say anything and we sat in the traffic in an awkward moment.
The songs on the radio were surprisingly good this morning and I found myself switching it off less regularly than usual when skipping an annoying song with too much "doof doof" or words that are in other languages that sound like people swearing at me without my knowledge.
"There's heavy congestion up ahead...you should slow down. Keep to the right here and then in 100m take the offramp to the right" she snarled at me with just a touch of contempt, still fuming at our previous exchange.
"No shit there's congested you dumb bitch, it's the middle of peak hour, what did you expect?"
"You should keep right at the fork"
"No, I won't. We're going a different way"
Her confused silence made me wonder if she ever internally panicked when I told her things like this. She didn't say anything before but if I had to guess what was going through her mind, it probably would be filled with profanity
"In 3kms take the exit on the left"
"Nope, you're wrong again, I'm taking this one...and you're coming with me"
"Make a u-turn"
"You crazy bitch - we're on a fucking bridge, are you mad?"
"Make a u-turn"
"Make me!"
The silence filled the air while she frantically tried to work out why I wasn't taking her advice and where exactly I was in-fact taking HER.
"Take the slip road on the left"
"Nope"
"Make a u-tur-take the slip road on the le-make a u-turn"
The panic was clearly rising as she scrambled to find her sense of direction and failed horribly.
"Doris are you confused?"
She'd never admit it to me but she was lost and with little way to find her bearings, she fell into a loop of u-turns and slip road mumblings. I smiled silently to myself while she remained still, frozen in fear no doubt.
"In 500m turn right" The disdain dripping from her voice and her annoyance flaring under her breath as she spoke to me as if I were a disobedient child.
"Oh, look at you! You suddenly found your centre. You should be so proud"
"Turn right"
"Yes, yes, you clever girl, I've known all along where we're going, I was just waiting for you to catch up".
"At the interchange turn left"
"NO!"
I could almost see her rolling her eyes...almost. She slunk away into silence as I carried on with my little run around for the next few minutes.
"That was fun, Thanks Doris"
"You have arrived at your destination"
"You damn right I have, no thanks to you, you crazy muppet!"
The image is mine
This was the conversation I had with my GPS yesterday. I call her Doris and she hates me.
