Monday, 18th of April, 2022 is a day I definitely will not forget in a hurry. I’ve been actively trying to go out more as opposed to my usual hermitical way of life. So when my friend Timi asked me if I was interested in accompanying him to a birthday party I was like ”Yeah, why not?” what’s the worst that could happen right? Well, I was going to find out soon enough.
After I was done dressing up, looking all cute and peng as usual. I took a bolt to the location of the party. That was around 4pm-ish. When I got there I called my friend to tell him that I had arrived. But, as it turns out, the party wasn’t supposed to start till much later in the evening. In fact, they were still making preparations, buying food, drinks, and all that. So I had to tag along with them as they did their party runs.
I won’t lie, at first I was a tad bit upset. I didn’t look this good to just wait in the car while you go buy a sponge cake (which was delicious by the way). But then Timi explained that since the party was going to be at night he didn’t want me to be alone on the road by that time, which, when you come to think of it, is actually really sweet. Deep, deep down in my stone-cold heart, I went “awwwn.”
Have faith ladies, nice guys still exist. But still, “Men are dated at daters risk.” Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Taylor Swift knew what she was talking about.
So there I was in the car with 3 guys and a married man having the absolute time of my life. The vibe was so… genuine. There wasn’t any pressure to be a certain way or act a certain way or be into certain things. I was just me and it felt really nice. We talked about life, cars, and money. One of the guys is a civil engineer and he was schooling us on different types of structures and types of roofs, that kind of stuff. Once I get my 15million ready I’m calling him to come handle my dream house.
The married man shared a lot of wild stories with us and trust me if there’s anyone that has experienced life and its different facets, it’s him.
I was actually really happy that I tagged along with them. This was my kind of vibe and it definitely beats sitting in my house doing nothing.
After we had finished making the runs, we decided to go to Kilimanjaro to get something to eat. Now I knew that everything at Kilimanjaro sucked, asides from their shawarma. But it was already late and I didn’t have any alternative location to recommend, so I kept my mouth shut. Thinking about it now, I would probably have just told them to get the shawarma with me cause they really couldn’t eat the food. It’s that bad.
As they went into the main building to get their food I went to the adjoining one to order my shawarma. Then I went back to go meet them. As I entered the building Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” started playing in my head and I started strutting like I owned the fucking world. It was kind of like a Mean Girls hallway moment for me. Everyone was staring. Shamelessly if I might add. But can you really blame them? Even Timi was looking all proud as I went to meet him.
I was just way too acutely aware of how good I looked to not be vain
My shawarma took really long to get ready so Timi waited outside with me while the rest waited in the car. I swear this boy is trying to get me to mother his children. You can really tell how I’ve been accepting the barest minimum from relationships because why would I want to mother someone’s child just because they waited outside with me?
I’m scarred guys
As we were going back to the car, I saw this kid on other side of the parking lot aisle we were in. Just walking around aimlessly. He sort of reminded me of Winnie The Pooh.
Now I absolutely adore kids so I couldn’t help but do the baby talk with him “Hey baby boy, where are you going to? Where’s your mummy?” I said in the usual exaggerated high-pitched voice used to talk to babies. I was opposite where the baby was so I stopped and watched where he was going. Seeing a baby that young by himself is never a good sign.
It seemed to have happened in a split second. A car was passing down the aisle we were in, my eyes still being on the boy. Before I knew it, he tried to walk across. As if by reflex I immediately ran across to carry the him. Thankfully, the driver of the car, seeing me, halted almost immediately. He was about to start berating me but calmed down when he saw the boy in my arms. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. This kid probably wasn’t even up to 3 years!
I carried the boy looking around for a guardian. After passing like 2 cars I saw this woman pressing her phone beside an open doored mini-van. I went “Ma is this your kid?” From her facial expression it was obvious she was the mother. A good number of times I’ve been really grateful for the “respect your elders” training my parents instilled in me as a child. This was not one of those times. I really wanted to give this woman a piece of my mind, but I couldn’t bring myself to disrespect her that way. So I mustered all the self-control I could and with a stiff voice said: “Ma, your son just almost got hit.”
All of a sudden whatever she was doing on her phone wasn’t as important. She started raining thank yous and asking ”what happened.” What happened?! Really?! I was too shocked and angry to even indulge her bullshit theatrics. I just handed her son and left. It was then I understood why in developed countries they would take people’s kids from them. It never made sense before, but now it does. Timi saw the whole thing happen and was just as shocked as I was.
It’s really creepy to think of what would have happened if I wasn’t there or that driver wasn’t so sharp on the wheels.
God will not let us see such nonsense sha.
When we got to the car, we told the rest what happened and they were just as irritated.
This isn’t even the juicy part of what went down that day. Wetin my eye never see before. I see am that Monday.
We went back to the location of the party to drop the stuff that we had gotten. The birthday boy, his babe and some of his friends and family members were already there. The agenda of the night was simple. We would go to a club first, party, show birthday boy a good time then come back to get wasted on the shit-ton of alcohol we bought. Pretty basic night.
We left for the club and one of the guys called one of his female friends to tag along with us. So ow it was four guys and 2 good looking babes in a car. Right? Everyone was using an Iphone. I guess at that point we didn’t really think about how that looked. We were high on night life vibes, gisting, laughing. But thinking about it now it’s like, of course we were going to get pulled over. Everything about us probably screamed “Cashout!”
I can remember it vividly, the ugly, crummy looking policeman shinning his torch at the back seat. Then using it to make a gesture implying that we park at the side of the road. He asked us to come down then told me and the other babe to get back in the car. The other police men joined him each one assigning themselves to each of the guys. It was obvious they were drilling them. I was able to read their lips: “what do you do?” “Are you a student? Open your Kofa page” (he did.) “do you do anything illegal?” “no sir” “Just tell me, it’ll be easier for you than if we find out…”
The ugly looking police man came back and asked us to come out, he started checking the car and proceeded to check our bags. “What are these?” “They’re my blog cards. I’m a blogger.” He shined his torch on my face *Oga comot that thing from my face. “Hmmm, no problem” He said and smiled. *ew
At first it seemed like it was all over, but next thing we knew they put the guys in their van and asked the married man(he was the one driving) to follow behind. It was then shit got real. We drove for the longest time that it almost seemed like we were’t actually going anywhere and maybe they were just passing time to see if they could juice something out of them. After what seemed like forever the van entered this place that seemed like an abandoned mechanic shop. A junkyard of some sort.
It was at this point that the fear really hit me. I’ll explain why. Where we were was so dark and deserted, that if one of the policemen got trigger happy and shot someone, they could have easily covered it up by just shooting all of us and burying our bodies somewhere. That’s how secluded the place was. And this was the only thing I could think of, so I was literally loosing my mind.
At every point in time before we eventually left there, I asked myself “Is this really happening or am I dreaming”
Long story cut short, after over an hour there, we were evetually released. They collected 140k from them, and they used POS. This absolutely blew my mind because why would you have POS as a policeman? Is POS attendant part of the job description?!!
Everyone had this defeated aura. It was really sad. Now, there was just one goal and one goal only. Get wasted till you’re lying in a pool of you’re own vomit. Okay maybe that’s over exagerating a bit. But you get the lingo?
The entire experience made me realize one thing. Female privilege exists. It was clear as daylight. My phone wasn’t searched, I wasn’t rough handled, I wasn’t thrown in a van and threatened. I sat in an air conditioned car imagining the worst possible scenarios and prayed to God. I felt bad, very bad. Moreso helpless because there was nothing I could do. I’m not rich enough, yet, to have sent them back the 140k. Lord knows I would have. My feminism couldn’t do anything and it sucked like hell.
It’s was a really crazy experience for me though cause these weren’t the conventional “robbers.” These were policemen. “Police is your friend” remember? People that are meant to protect you, are extorting you of money normal robbers wouldn’t even collect. Initially, they were asking for 500k from each of them. Is that not madness? You want to collect 1.5m from someone in one night. Isn’t it better to just do ritual and rest. I’ve heard about things like this happening before but I had never really experienced it first hand, so it wasn’t “real” to me. And I low-key thought after the whole End Sars saga it would be non-existent. I was obviously wrong.
This is a shitty thing for me to say, but I can’t lie, there was a small part of me that was excited by the whole experience. Don’t get me wrong, was I thrilled by the fact that my friends got extorted? Fuck no. Was I happy this was a situation I could probably get shot in? Well…I’m weird so let’s leave that one for now. But I couldn’t deny this rush of adrenaline I felt. It was as if my life was experiencing an orgasm. After such a long period of vanilla sex. Vanilla sex being me always cooped up in my room.
So yeah that’s how my easter break went. I became a superhero without the cape and escaped being shot by the people meant to protect me from getting shot. A typical easter break if you ask me. The two most scariest moments of my life taking place within mere hours of each other, that should be like a guiness world record or something. I’ll find out, maybe I have more to gain from the experience than a blog post.
Anyways, till next time
Ciao!
