My ex is getting married today, and I’m the special guest of honor. Well I’m not, I’m not even invited but I’m going to be there, I’m showing up in grand style to show her all that she is missing out on.
I set out to my tailor's shop to collect my outfit for the wedding, the color of the day is green and grey and I intend to show up in the flashiest agbada possible, I’ve already leased a big car, her dream car to take to the wedding. I have borrowed my friend's gold chains, wristwatch, cufflinks, and studs…No matter what the groom wears today, I will outdress him.
Source
I’m dismayed when I get to Kabiru’s shop, it’s not open and he is nowhere to be found. I knew that fool would disappoint me. I try calling his number again frantically, I’m panicking, I need everything to be perfect and this fool is not about to ruin my big day!!!
“Kabiru!!! I dey your shop, where you dey?” I scream as soon as he picks up the phone.
“Calm down Oga, I dey on top bike…the person that was supposed to do the embroidery on your cloth didn’t finish on time” he starts to explain, I’m too impatient to listen to whatever he has to say.
“Kabir if you no show up with my cloth soon I go curse you!!!” I promise him.
“I dey see you for front of my shop, I’m on that bike coming towards you, no worry”. He ends the call and the bike he is on appears a moment later…he has my agbada, it looks amazing!!!
“No vex Oga, I had to go and pick it up from the embroider because I knew you needed it today, do you want to try it out?” He asks me.
“No need, I’m running late, thank you Kabiru” I give him a hearty handshake and head towards my apartment.
Source
I dress up quickly and head towards the venue of the reception, the church service should be rounding up shortly and I have a plan in motion that might even eliminate the need for me to show up at the reception, I call my partner in crime.
“Tomi, how did it go? Did you scatter the wedding?”
“I almost did!!! They’re going on with the ceremony but I caused a lot of chaos” she says laughing. “As soon as the priest asked if anybody objected to the wedding I shot up screaming at her husband and asking what I was supposed to do with his baby…I wish you had seen it!!!”
I can imagine, this wasn’t the original plan. We had tried to get James (My ex’s beloved) to sleep with Tomi so that we could take pictures and send them to her, the Boy Scout hadn’t budged despite Tomi’s amazing attempts, so we had to improvise and come up with this new plan of her accusing him of impregnating her at the wedding.
“Well done Tomi, I’m headed to the reception for phase two of the plan,” I informed her taking a left on Ahmadu Bello road and heading towards the venue at Eko hotel.
“They’re on their way there as well, don’t go in immediately, wait a bit so that you can make your grand entrance after her” Tomi suggests.
I drive to the nearest ATM and withdraw enough money to fill the sack in my car, I arrange them in neat bundles and stack the bundles on top of each other then I deposit the bundles in the backseat of the car. I watch the couple pull into the driveway at the reception, I see her notice the car, I see her trying to look inside my tinted windows, I’m not ready to reveal myself yet but I know she’ll get a closer look at the car and me in it…it’s all a part of the plan.
An hour after the bride entered the reception my drummers show up, I had paid Baba Ola beforehand and we have agreed that I will spray him his balance whilst he and his boys serenade me as I make my way into the reception, It is time.
Source
Baba Ola and his boys sing my praises and play as if their life depends on it as I dance slowly into the venue, His son is holding my bag of money and I reach into it to pull a new bundle of money to spray on them. I have sprayed his balance, 2 bundles of mint two hundred Naira notes but he and his boys are singing my praises and making my head swell and so I tip them with some money from a fresh bundle…I was going to spray it all anyways.
I make my way towards the happy couple, I can see the shock on Oma’s face, she can’t believe it’s me!!! Looking absolutely dashing in this Agbada that is undoubtedly Kabiru’s finest work since he was born!!! The golden embroidery gives the piece a more regal look.
When I get to where the couple is sitting I begin to spray bundles of naira notes on them I spray so much money that the attention of the entire reception is on me, Baba ola and his drummers Continue to play so fiercely that’s the musicians who were originally paid to perform at the reception have to stop because our music is drowning their music, I am so proud of this moment.
Oma says my name in shock, she hasn’t seen me since I left the country, the MC of the occasion has picked up my name from the songs of the drummers and is thanking me for gracing the occasion, he invites me to the high table, beside the couple’s parents, especially Oma’s mom who always disapproved of me. I sit for a few minutes watching the drama between the couple, basking in the euphoria of a well-executed plan. I can feel the stares from every corner of the venue, I can see Oma trying her hardest not to stare and I can see her husband watching her watch me.
I endure the ceremony for a few more minutes, then I head towards her father, I give him a firm handshake and ignore the many questions on his face that don’t find their way to his lips, I genuinely wish all of this drama wouldn’t affect him because he was always on my side but we both know she deserves it.
As I make my way out of the reception I notice Oma is not in her seat, the plan had been to find a way to take her to the car and talk about old times but I think I’ve done enough, I get in the car and take off the heavy jewelry. I hear a knock on the window, it’s her mother, Oma is standing behind her, at a safe distance.
“Why did you do all this? Was it really necessary” she asks.
“I did it for myself and the child she took away from me because she didn’t think I was worthy enough to father…congratulations Oma”.
As I turn the car and drive off I can feel her staring at me, this should make for an interesting wedding night…mission accomplished.
Source
