Recently a friend asked me why i smoke. Its a question my X wife used to ask me, and i usually gave the same reply.. Its been a crutch for me, although that’s not the reason i give. I have more or less smoked none stop from the moment i wake until the moment i sleep all day. I’ve never even counted how many joints i have smoked, but were into double figures and it was really out of hand. Its not good, and i haven’t been very happy doing it... i have always told myself it give me the ability and strength and patience to push through challenging times, and life in general. Maybe that is true, but maybe that is a kind of self delusion. Im pretty sure that being uber stoned all of the time has caused a pretty large amount of bad decisions, and mistakes in oh so many ways. Im sure it also affects my connections with others, and my ability to be really open and social. It also effects the kind of people that i attract and connect with.. as well as the type of connection i have with everyone.
SO why the heck have i been doing this to myself.. continuing to smoke EVEN though i have had this sore throat for THREE YEARS NOW! and before that i had a one year episode of literally being unable to breathe due to some kind of hyperventilation panic problems.. smoking made it worse, yet i continued to do it. Its been a very strong force to reckon with and yet now finally i have found the will to do it! TO answer the question of why i smoke then, very simply i smoke when i feel lonely, and i smoke when i feel bored and unfulfilled. It keeps my heart warm, and allows me to keep pushing on even when i have many great challenges. Nevertheless, it actually has not really helped, its purely psychological.. like a crutch that gives me something to look forward to, something to keep pacifying me, and something to distract me.
The turning point happened whilst i was in fact speaking with my X Clara on the phone a few days ago. We were talking about various things and then the topic of smoking came up. I told her that i was fed up being stoned, and i was also TOTALLY fed up with having this sore throat all day every day for years. Clara told me a few things, and in particular she decided to tell me that when she looks at my energy field and tried to help from afar she can always feel this great resistance. Something doesn’t want her to help me, and she hadn’t been able to help me. She said it felt like an external entity, and not a very nice one either! This really got my attention and even though it was hard to hear, i could feel it was true.
My body and my soul has been almost begging me to stop this for at least 10 years ... and yet every time i have the chance to stop i have not wanted to. That is probably the best definition of addition that i can come up with! So, whatever Clara said, it just clicked something in my being. Suddenly i felt like i don’t want to be subservient to some entity that doesn't want me to evolve and be happy. I am the boss of my life, and im not going to let someone or something sabotage it or take it away. Enough is enough!
So this is my sharing today. Maybe you can relate to some of this. If you have been trying to stop smoking for some time i hope this can be of some inspiration. It is only day 4, and as anyone with addictions knows, its all too easy to fall back into old habits. We have to be resolute about what we want out of life, and realise that every day can be so powerful, or nothing at all.. it is our choice!
Have a great week everyone! much love xxx
Just for fun i leave you with some photos of the land and some of the things ive been busy with! A good ecoVillages update is coming soon!