Sometimes i ask myself why i do smoke. I cant really say i enjoy it anymore, but it seems to be the hardest pattern to break. For me at least it more like having something to look forward to, and a way to break up the day into segments with a cigarette being a way to break up the day into different parts. It's been so long that it is hard to imagine taking a break, or just sitting on a chair admiring the view without the obligatory roll up to keep my hands busy.
To try to help myself through this i have taken up a few new habits, in an attempt to replace the old ones. I think that is an important way to change, we have to replace the old with something new that can fulfill us in a different way. Right now the new things i am doing include a (relatively) lot of exercise. I have a bicycle and whenever i am feeling tired or bored i just hop on and go for a ride. It helps, and when i get back i do feel more awake and less angsty. I am also attempting to get fit and stronger with some body exercises using an app. Wow, its only when i try to do 10 pushups that i realise quite houw out of shape i am. This morning my arms buckled after 4 pushups, driving home quite how much work i have to do. I can remember doing this around 8 years ago with far more success.
The only way is through it, push and push until breakthrough. It's too easy to give up and that would be a great shame as i have finally started to feel stronger and more positive since this new life approach begun. That is partly why i blog this journey, to make sure I am aware of what choices i am making and being witnessed somehow makes it harder to just give up.
Since i have no job, no work, nothing really to do anymore, it means there is no structure other than the activities i choose to do in each moment. Since i have also left my previous home, twice in the last two years, I am also in a totally new place with really no companionship of friends. For me that is very strange as i was a very social and community driven person until not so long ago.
I guess I am learning to find contentment from within. That is a great thing if it can be achieved. If i can be truly happy with just myself then i think it gives me a great chance to be happy with others too. As a super sensitive empath it has been especially hard to be with others during this harsh pandemic, with most people also struggling with their mental health and life issues.
DO we need other people to be happy? DO we need to be doing something to find contentment? I think the answer for most people is yes, its very important.. but for me at least right now i have chosen a very solitary path. Who knows how long i will keep this up. If i choose a different place to be then i am sure that I would end up getting involved in one thing or another and start having a bit more fun and interactions.. but for now i will keep going like this.. at least until i have finally succeeded in giving up the things that have been holding me back.
When we achieve our goals we can improve our self respect. WHen we can overcome our greatest challenges i think it can bring inner strength and positivity back to our lives. I think i have lost a lot of the passion and self love since i got divorced four years ago, and its rather strange to look in the mirror and see my aging face, wrinkles and lines. Growing older is a strange thing, as inevitable as it is, it is still a strange surprise to see it happen, seemingly so fast. THankfully at least i feel young at heart, even if i am soon to become an oldie.
To all of you who can relate, i wish you well. It's only really when all the distractions of life dissipate that we can actually focus on the things that have been calling our names for so long. If you have seen your life be stripped of what you were familiar with, then perhaps this is also your opportunity to try something entirely different. It is not an easy path, but once achieved i believe will bring the kind of joy and inner fulfillment that we have been longing for.
As part of this process i have also let go of nearly all online social noise that used to occupy much of my daily time. I left Facebook two months ago now and havent looked back. It is amazing how easy that was to drop! In fact Hive is about the only online social activity i partake in any more.. i cant remember the last time i posted on Twitter, or Instagram.. they all seem to have lost their appeal, the magic is gone. Whatever they used to be, they are not anymore. Centralisation has destroyed the internet, and become a way for those with money to perpetuate their dominance and influence on what we think, what we buy, and how we interact. That is of course why i am here, on Hive, the great decentralised social experiment is thankfully still alive.. and growing.. It may have its flaws, its problems, its growing pains, but it is still a thousand times better than anything else i have seen..
So, sorry if its a bit of a waffle babble post.. sometimes things just need to come out, as haphazardly as they do! Being human is a crazy journey in these crazy times, and i hope that the shift we are ALL waiting for will happen sooner rather than later!
Now onto the next part of my day.. time to make something healthy and nurturing to eat! Onwards and up! <3
