no internet
got home at 11:30, internet is out.
vodafone
mobile
thought it may have been my phone, as it is ratshit af
you see, im poor
i live off handmedowns
if u call that living
but its all ive ever known
im the son of a poor mum
who was the daughter of one
i was lucky though.
she was one of 4
where as i am 1 of 1
... but i digress
im sitting here scribbling, as my mental health is dwindle
and i needed to get the mind active
to tell a story
before the story remains untold.
you see, i have a house inspection in 8 days.
i found out about it
*unplugs kb, plugs in the bluetooth one from the laptop, that diead 16 days ago.
but thats a complete diferent story
though perhaps thats where it starts.
this spiral into chaos
uncertainty
death?
... notes im still using the plug in, stting hunched at a desk,
whereas i COULD be reclining in comfort.
task completed
spoke too soon, device unlocatable.
must return to sit, as the story must be written.
im dead inside, as i have been moving shit around, trying to get it the way i want it to look
as it all came out of storage in 10 or so trips ( had to do it with a fridge trolley/hand truck
via public transport.
as i am all alone
i dont make friends easy
as those i have made, and thought i could rely on
have always cunted me, and stabbed me in the back
i guess im a little like jesus in that way
performing miracles ( no, not 'healing', alas 'cura/ga' is not in my repetoire)
however in typing that
i feel if i can 'give u spiritual understanding' for the woe that you present to me, is that not 'life 2'?
i know that comes accross as ''grandiose? but i feel so much to give, but so little returned.
hard to explain
fk it, lets retouch on the laptop thing.
guy gets me into bitcoin, for $70, a quarter ounce of weed at the time
tells me to put it into zenminer cloud mining.
it was ok.
i sent my prfits to hashnest, and rented some hash from them too
basically, 'a ticket in a pool' like lotto.
i also smashed the faucets, on one geting 5c an hour ( 1.0-1.4k sats ) - 18/24 hrs a day. non automated, i just seen the math
and got into the concept quite passionately
im 40, and i remember atari 2600 games getting released, and mastering them within a month
if only id been born 10 years later, id been in my prime when 'the contests' started being a thing
but i was told 'yu'll neverf make a career for yourself gaming. how naive we were in the 90's
but again
i digress
and regress
depress/con/detest....
15:40 15-6-2021
an hour til i go grab my soupkitchen meal.
this is helping, truth be told.
so i was doing lounge for 3 days.
but while doing that, bedroom got over crowded.
today i decided to focus on the wardrobes.
i'll need to open them to show the mould
that is being caused by the drain
that i brang to maintenance's attention within the first month i was here. 11 months ago.
its STILL not repaired.
so therefore icant put anything in wardrobes, or its green in a week.
yes, i can buy mould eaters and moisture catchers
but i am low income
its subsidised, and after rent and elec is taken, i have $228 fortnight (2 weeks / 114 a week)
internet is 60/m
i dont have internet. i have a 'get 50gb/m, then shaped to 1.5mb/s
and atm, i dont.
so here i am
:notes: spilling my heart through this pen, again'
thanksgiving and then
*has epiphany, i have a music folder on here, and its booped into the stereo.
... hunts something soothy
mm, bowie. guess that'll do briefly - heroes album - beauty and the beast. meh.
4/30 on the volume nob.
my introvert, introverted
intreehr-zhen ( err, ghen)(see)
oh, also, the anxiety of 2 male undesexed cats, that must sense my anxiety
and have decided, though they have been litter trained for 8 months,
that i must require 'aromatics' around the house.
needles to say, im not in the best place atm.
the mirror was the last part to crack teh facade of 'im ok, really i am'
ooh, and that leads to another tangent. to friend i gave the full details of action of story, but for the 'gen public'
ill paraphrase.
*arrives counter. me/her variables
m - 'this is gonna sound weird, but, are you ok?'
h - "ye..yeah, why?"
m - could tell she was uncomfortable, and kinda stumbled over my words - 'just, im in here a lot, and u seem
to always have a sad-ish face. so i felt i had to ask'
h - smiled slightly ( which melted me a little ) "yeah nah im ok" ( also the eyes said 'this guy is weird, and im uncomfortable'
so i kinda tr4ied to wrap it up and make a hasty retreat :P - 'ok, well, to me #RUOK is an every day thing for me
( i wish someone would ask me, ngl ) 'i myself, am not, in fact, ok'
which is also another reasoning for having written this story
currently bowie - heroes is playing
some days i feel like a hero
but it fels too many are requiring the saviour, without seeking the saviour
and then complaining they havent been rescued
if you never ask, you'll never know / the answer is already no
speak to listen, not listen to speak ( 2 ears, 1 mouth )
*timestamp - 4pm
4-20 - i felt beter, so i started 'doing the work'
found a really fkn boss
piece of storage equipment the other day ( about 110 kg, carried back on a pushbike )
horde-ass i-deity
