Less than one month until my 38th birthday. So close to 40. Still "young" but yet so old.
The picture above was taken on my 31st birthday. I don't remember it honestly. 31 is not a milestone. Neither is 38. But every year is an accomplishment of sorts I suppose.
I don't know what the 31 year old me would think of the current me. He'd probably chastise me for some things and maybe be impressed with a few other things. He would have much more to tell me than I him. I would keep my mouth shut mostly. He doesn't need that kind of anxiety looming over him.
It's incredible how blurry the past is. I remember bits and pieces out of my memory, but so much is based on photographs. And I almost seem to remember feelings more than events. They are almost always negative. I'm honestly not sure I remember "happy".
That's not to say it's all been miserable. But "happy" is elusive. At 31 I was dealing with money struggles, a depressed wife, four children, a messy house, and the potential of starting a new career. Stress was ever at my door. It wasn't miserable, but it was one long day to day struggle just to make it to the next. It was life, just average.
From other photos around that time I can guess I liked a good beer, my pipe (obviously), and I was still headlong into painting. I had pleasures. But happiness isn't pleasures per se, it's a state of mind.
Now that I am nearing 38 my life is very much the same yet very much different. Unfortunately, "happy" is still hiding somewhere under a rock. Most days I'm just exhausted. I have learned not to stress too much about the nonsense, but every day is a battle with my nerves ending in a stalemate.
So much of that battle is in my head, warrior brain cells are conscripted out of nothing to go fight against imaginary monsters. Thinking thinking thinking... That will solve all the problems. Nope. You're chasing a ghost, dear synapses.
Time has taught me to stop worrying out loud. It has taught me to find solutions, not just thoughts. Physical, tangible problems can be dealt with. It's the spiritual, metaphysical, and emotional challenges that have turned my beard grey. It is the time spent wondering about the state of my soul, my happiness, my love, my fears, my self-worth, etc that has wrinkled my face and worn down my bones and tone of voice.
I'm quieter and a bit less nimble now than I was at 31. But I'd like to think I'm wiser too.
—————--------------------—————
Be sure to add me to your fanbase on Hive Auto so you never miss an Upvote!
Get up to 12 #FREE Fractional Shares valued up to $30,600 by opening & funding a #Webull brokerage account! Use my link to get started!
I'd like to invite you to use Uphold. Create your account and try out one of the easiest and most cost-effective trading experiences. You can pay fiat for crypto just by connecting a bank account and depositing directly into your account. Not only that but if you get the Uphold card you can pay with crypto anywhere that Mastercard is accepted!
https://uphold.com/signup?referral=c9cdfce131
Check out my nfts for sale on NFT Showroom!
Would you like to get paid in crypto for searching the internet? Try using and signing up for Presearch to earn some great crypto! I've currently got 26.23PRE tokens, with a market value of $6.24. It’s no fortune, but when you search using sites like Google you get paid $0.
Join Presearch to break Google's stranglehold on internet searches!!!
Get 25 PRE just for signing up!
I'm a Xero Shoes affiliate, click here to find the best barefoot shoes available!
