So recently I've had encounters with a lot of girls, no not a lot, just some. Okay back to what I was saying, these girls are like ice cream, they come with different flavors of character and expectations. But one thing is unanimous about them though, they all want a man that has money and can cater for their needs, forgetting that we're not their fathers.
Today isn't for them though. Their actions have piqued my mind to think about the different flavours of men out there on the Nigerian streets. This is an enveloped list though and might not cover all the areas you might expect, but if you don't see your kind of man on this menu, then know that you're beyond recognition and inedible.
Disclaimer: Before you even think it, let me accept it that I'm an ethnocentric bigot and this list relies heavily on the criticism along ethnic lines.
First on the list is what I call The Hausa Alpha Alhajis. I know that the word alhaji is usually associated with old northern sugar daddies, but sorry my aristos, this isn't about them. This is about their offsprings, those boys that you see on the streets of Abuja racing with Ferraris, Porsche and exquisite Mercedes cars. Normally they don't have jobs, but they are the biggest oppressors on the streets of the capital city.
These are the ones that live their whole lives on inheritance handed down from their ancestors including their pervasions and BDSM. They spend the days in the comfort of their homes with standard "corporate ladies" who suck at their jobs and the dogs' as well. Now you know what that your sister and cousin who know a lot of rich young boys in kaftans do. Don't judge them, the hustle is real.
They are the boys with reputation that pharmacists wish they had. They know all the drugs in the market and the street, the blue, the red, the pink and the powdered ones. They are the perfect antidote for stress and the architects of depression.
Second on the list are The Yoruba School Children. Don't worry I'm not a pedophile, at least not yet. The children there doesn't refer to juveniles but to our overeducated brothers from the west. The origin of these set of boys is from their ancestors who made education a prerequisite for a successful life.
These are the boys who would check your grammatical errors even on the first date as if their appetite depended on it. And to qualify to be their wife, you need to go through a series of tests that culminates in a final exam that would be marked by their friends to ascertain if you're intelligent enough to be their partner.
You can be a PhD holder for all they care, you still need to study when you are with them. You learn to understand them, you learn to understand yourself in the light of being with them, you learn their culture, you learn their language, you study their family and how to accommodate them, you learn to tie wrapper across your breast and prostate without the wrapper falling etc. Then your graduation is you getting an engagement ring, which can still be retrieved if you default in practicing what you were taught.
They walk around in well ironed clothes, cute, clean shaves, well chiseled and broad shoulders, but searching and suspecting eyes. Just be ready to learn and you're the queen of their nonexistent kingdoms.
The next group are called The Igbo Mommy Boys. When I say mommy boys, I mean they still suck their mom's breast, no jokes. These are the boys who will stay with you for 6 years, cater for your needs, shower you with excess love, care and attention. They might even propose. But then they are not usually educated and easily get jealous when they see you with other men who are more educated than them.
But that is not the problem with them, their biggest issue is "mommy". Yes mommy! The thing here is that they might love you with the love of God, see you as the air they breathe, and treat you delicately like an egg, but the day they take you to go see mom becomes your judgement day. If after everything mom doesn't like your toe nails, you've failed the audition.
It doesn't matter if you've been the best thing to ever happen to him or you've invested your future in the relationship, or he's promised you heaven and earth, if mom doesn't like one thing about you, you're single again. It doesn't matter how trivial the flaw might be, even if it's the way you lick your lips or she doesn't like the way you smile, Uchenna will just say "yes mommy" and send you away.
Ladies there you go! Don't ever say I didn't do anything for y'all. Know where your qualities are best suited and pitch your tent. And No I'm not a tribalist.
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