W E L C O M E!
Shyness is not a defect, it is a behavior, based on low self-esteem and lack of social skills, which can cause problems and suffering, but which we can change.
*Characteristics of shyness
Do you feel insecure or ashamed, when you find yourself facing other people?
Do you have trouble starting and / or maintaining a conversation?
Do you feel tense and anguished in front of people?
Do you tend to blush easily, to feel tachycardia, sweaty hands, butterflies in your stomach and / or a lump in your throat, when you relate to most people?
Do you think, often, that you are going to do or say the wrong things, in front of others?
Is it hard to see in the eyes of the person you are talking to?
Frequently, the shy person:
She thinks negatively about herself (she feels incapable in the social aspect) and about others (she sees them as people who will criticize and reject her).
It is blamed and condemned for the failures in their relationships.
It is compared, constantly, with an ideal that can not reach, which devalues, even more, his low self-esteem.
Feel fear or anguish, in any situation where you think you will be observed and qualified by other people.
It is these situations, your thoughts and the feelings that these generate, can lead you to act, in such a way that your prophecies are fulfilled.
All of the above increases your feelings of sadness, indecision, etc.
The previous paragraphs, give us some of the characteristics of shy people.
If you have these characteristics, if you are shy, you are not alone.
There are a lot of shy people, although they generally try to hide it, because they believe that shyness is a defect, but thinking like that is a big mistake.
Shyness is a characteristic among many others.
The real problem is not the degree of sociability, but the way in which this shyness and the mistaken beliefs we have regarding it affect us.
Generally timid people think they are unworthy and invaluable. This is also an error.
Shyness is related to our social skills or rather, the lack of these. If we do not have them, we can acquire them.
It is our negative thoughts, the lack of self-acceptance and the exaggeration of the negative consequences, those that generate anguish and fear and prevent us from properly relating or learning to do so.
It is important to distinguish between being introverted, shy or embarrassed, as they are different.
An introverted person, who may be shy or not, feels better when she is alone or with few people and prefers to live in her inner world, so she can relate little, but she does not feel fear and anguish when she is with others or with people new, as it happens to a shy person.
Shame can arise, to do something that we consider ridiculous, bad, reprehensible, etc. A person can feel embarrassed before certain people, without being shy and the same happens with the introvert, who may or may not feel ashamed.
One of the main obstacles to solving shyness is that, often, people think that it is a feature of their temperament, impossible to modify.
This belief is completely wrong, but it can lead to the isolation of people, diminishing their chances of trying to improve their self-esteem and learning to relate.
Another situation that makes it difficult for us to overcome shyness, is that the person who is shy, takes great care not to make a mistake, so try to avoid any situation where you can be criticized, rejected or feel little capable.
This prevents him from practicing the social skills he wants to acquire or improve.
Generally he waits or rather wishes, to get up one day and realize that his difficulty has disappeared.
In this sense, one of the elements that most affect us is the anticipation of rejection, criticism and all kinds of negative consequences. When we take for granted that these are going to happen, we are building a negative, exaggerated and false world, which anguishes us and causes us to avoid situations that could be pleasant and their benefits or paralyze us, provoking part of what we fear.
The best way to learn to relate is by doing it and observing what works well and what does not. For this, it is essential that we risk and dare to do so.
*To solve the problem of shyness, it is necessary to work in three areas:
Develop and strengthen our self-esteem.
Develop social and expressive skills.
Overcome irrational fear
Develop and strengthen our self-esteem.
*At this point, the appropriate thing is:
learn to self-accept,
not compare with others,
strengthen our inner self and
change the devaluating and negative thoughts that maintain low self-esteem.
It is important, also, to remember that fashion and the way in which people judge us, is totally subjective, since it is based on personal and changing values. For this reason, what he says, has the importance that we give him.
If we ignore them and do not believe in what they tell us, it will not affect us.
Another misconception and maintained by society, is that our value as people depends on what we have or what we achieve. When we think in this way, the lack of material goods or our "failures" lead us to devalue ourselves and, in the case of shyness, it increases and we isolate ourselves even more.
In these cases, it is essential to work on our self-esteem.
Develop social and expressive skills.
Remember that we are not born with these skills, but that we develop them as we grow, therefore, we can always learn them.
Social skills allow us and help us to relate and communicate with other people. If we learn the right skills, we can relate more easily and increase the likelihood of obtaining the results we want.
These skills include, conversation, the appropriate use of non-verbal language (tone of voice, gaze, gestures, body posture, etc.), the expression and interpretation of emotions, etc.
The correct expression and interpretation of emotions helps us to understand and know others better, as well as to be understood and known by them and therefore increases the likelihood that they will give us what we expect.
*Overcome irrational fear
This fear is based on beliefs or wrong thoughts, which feed him constantly. These are exaggerated thoughts, which are not based on reality, catastrophic (in which we are sure that what will happen to us, is terrible and intolerable), etc.
It is important that, regardless of how we feel, let's analyze if our fears are really based on reality.
Often, such fears and worries about what may happen (the consequences of our behavior) tend to be exaggerated and / or do not even occur.
When we are afraid and we want to overcome it, the first thing we have to do is acknowledge it, accept it and look for someone of trust (who respects us and listens to us, but who does not criticize us, or gives it more importance than it has), to speak with her what we feel.
Secondly, it is necessary to observe what feelings and thoughts are behind each of our fears, since, often, fear hides something deeper or wrong learning. Finally, we need to change the wrong thoughts, for more objective and appropriate ones.
*What can you do?
Some exercises and tips that can help you:
Every day, in front of a mirror, imagining that you are in front of a group of people, tells something that happened to you, that you saw or read somewhere, but that has some emotional component.
Count each day, something different. Do it loud, firm and with different intonations, according to what you are telling and the emotion that is involved.
When finished, give your personal opinion.
At first you may feel uncomfortable talking to yourself, but it is an exercise that helps you practice, without tension and your brain registers this calm and assertive attitude.
Do not anticipate or begin to imagine what you think may happen, as that increases your anguish and generally our imagination tends to exaggerate, sometimes, without any foundation.
Do not live in the future, stay in the present moment and if an unpleasant or difficult situation arises, at that moment you can see what you can do about it.
Try to observe your thinking, to realize what are the negative thoughts you are having and change them for more positive and objective ones.
If you felt bad and / or acted wrongly in a situation (with shyness), do not scold yourself, because the only thing you achieve is to lower your self-esteem and increase your anguish.
See what thoughts you had, change them for more appropriate ones and imagine yourself in that situation or another similar one, acting as you would like to act.
I hope that whoever reads this and suffers from shyness serves him in his daily life, to apply this knowledge and achieve a fuller life.
Greetings my brothers!