Indian weddings are not only fat, but clinically obese. A colourful jumble of your aunts dawdling around like night beachballs in yards of silk sarees. As for the uncles, they have that one suit that they wear to all weddings, and after some vigorous and questionable dancing, they retire to the parking lot for drinks (more on that later).
So, what are some extremely strange things that you would find hard to believe:
1 - F1 speed dating: You know how you have those speed dating events with obnoxious buzzers? Indian arranged marriage meet-ups are the same, but the buzzer is your parents. In one short meeting, some people are expected to make the decision to marry. And worse still, your parents, and sometimes your grandparents and siblings, tag along.
2 - Astro gastro - After you have decided to marry someone, the horoscopes are matched. If a thing called manglik is found, oh boy. That means you'll kill your spouse. Not you personally, in the sense that it doesn't detect serial killers, but you're simply not a match—extreme edition.
In order to get rid of it, the logical solution is to marry a tree. I'm not joking.
3 - After the tree and you have divorced amicably, you marry another immovable being (glued to the couch or gaming chair). The preparation that goes into it is nothing short of starting a startup. Your parents, who were previously impoverished, have suddenly become Forbes celebrities. Money is squandered like a politician on an international trip.
4 - The day—or days—you and your aunt twice removed's youngest daughter's mother-in-law had been waiting for arrives. Every conceivable person your parents have come across during their lifetimes is invited.
5 - The rituals leading up to the actual wedding are MENTAL.
The group facial - No er it is not what you think but weirder. Everyone in your community puts face pack on you to make you pretty.
The leg-pulling: The groom's and bride's families throw shade at each other. An example is "Munde di bhua nu bandar le gaya," which translates to "A monkey has kidnapped the groom's aunt."
6 - In most cultures, people are there for the food and liquor. So is the case with punjabi weddings but the liquor is had surreptitiously and the food is a buffet of plenty in a country filled with 25% people below poverty line. Portly uncles get drunk and hit on the disco ball aunties.
The real fun is that in a ceremony called varmala, where the bride and groom exchange garlands, insanely drunk people hoist them on their shoulders.
This once led to a bride accidentally putting the garland on the groom's friend, sobering everyone up.
7 - And finally, after a long night of sitting in front of a fire, the couple is married only to enter the house and be pitted against each other in games. Games such as "find the ring in a tub of milk" and "catch as many candies as you can" help show who the dominant partner in the partnership will be.
Then, there is a "tradition" of perverts listening in at the door on the wedding night.
I'll leave you with that.
