I hope everyone's staying safe and healthy out there - whatever life you have right now. Whatever you're battling with at the moment. I am interested to know.
As for me, my life has dramatically changed since the pandemic began. I want to document my thoughts daily but I've just been very busy at work. I know that journalling is very much needed at this point in my life as it's my only way to cope. But I am just physically tired to keep up with my old routine.
Anyway now's weekend so here I am writing. For the workers out there, weekend means laundry, cleaning, running errands, and of course relaxing. I work in a high-stress work environment that demands me to take a break and enjoy the outdoors once in a while - for my sanity of course. But as much as I want to travel during weekends, it's called rest day for a reason. And I just want to rest. I am resting physically but my mind is still wandering restlessly.
I wish work is not that bad right? Well, of course not. I am getting my paycheck soon and I'm buying a new pair of shoes. Gawd, what's not to be happy about? Amidst this pandemic, here I am, buying a new pair of heels. No more flipflop days... at least for now. That kind of work stress affords me things and more things. Things that make me happy. I'm afraid I'm creeping back into my old consumerist lifestyle - the society approved way to cope.
See, this is why I desperately need journaling and stoicism because I am slowly going back into the kind of life that I've already left behind years ago. That corporate life. That go-go-go and get-get-get life. And participating in that dreadful battlefield in the workplace.
Work really is a battlefield or at least where I am. It's a toxic competition breeding sociopaths and the like. Everyone wants to win. Everyone wants to be a star. But there can only be one. I am always suspicious of people who go out of their way to be nice at work. Sure there are nice people but I am more of a realist here. I don't know, it's just that most don't always have good intentions. The only good thing I can make out of them is that they keep me focused and alert. I'll never know if I am sitting on a ticking time bomb.
I am good at what I do and I have no qualms about my skills. I am always learning something new in order to stay on top of everything. But what's making me anxious these days are the feelings of other people. Yes of course people. I wish it's easy to just show off my talents out there. I wish it's easy to create and improve things without someone getting all the credit for my hard work. Been there, done that. Now it made me extremely careful. Guarded. In real world, my world, it's actually the contrary. Being good at what you do makes people resent you - and possibly even destroy you.
So when that ticking time bomb finally explodes - there's no other way but to accept things as they are. Things I cannot control. Situations and people. By then, time for a new life? Now that's exciting. But for now...
This is my reality.
I just try to focus on my goal and remember why I am here. I'll save some money and continue my thing... the dream that keeps me going. The dream that keeps me alive in this prison.
In this new chapter of my life, I really wish nothing can hold me back and just be able to thrive and not just survive.
Thoughts?