I'm feeling neither happy nor sad. I don't know maybe I've learned how to numb my feelings. Maybe I've just been blocking what I truly feel. Maybe I run out of human emotions or human connections. Or maybe, I just found a new way to live.
When my friend was still alive, he was so busy designing his condo place his parents bought for him. Everything was already set up for his life and all he had to do was just buy shiny furniture for his place. He used to tell me that he lived for beauty and that's because he was an artist and a fashion designer. It's normal for him to obsess over beautiful things. Whenever I felt lonely, he used to tell me to focus on beautifying my place. I guess I never had a chance to follow his advice back then because I was busy feeling what I'm feeling. I was busy being human.
And now I'm living up to his words, maybe as a tribute or as a sign that I truly miss him. Funny how things turned out. So, I've been busy buying, selling and upgrading stuff in my apartment. And oh boy, it really does distract you. I found myself spending countless hours in this shopping app looking for the best computer chair, the best pillows, the best rug to match the color theme of my apartment, the best cast iron skillet... I forgot how to feel lonely.
When my friend wasn't replying to my messages, I never felt bad because I knew he was legitimately busy. He wouldn't deliberately ignore or hurt me. I figure he was out and about or in some home depot looking for the best rug for his condo. He was well off and money was never a problem. All he had to do was choose and buy. I remember him telling me that he still wasn't satisfied. He was constantly looking for something to fill the void. But then now I realized, he still lived to have the best things in life he deserved. It wasn't so bad after all. Everything he said made sense to me now.
Unlike my friend, my money is limited and I still have to save, so I try to limit these purchases. Shopping can become an addiction if you can't control yourself. Anyway, I still do not want a cluttered home and this is why I sell and discard stuff too. Anything or anyone that doesn't bring me joy anymore will go to the trash (other people will pick them up).
Bottom line, retail therapy works. Shopping in moderation can ease that pain a bit I think. Even just adding an item to my wish list is already making me happy. The anticipation and reward of online shopping gives my brain some instant dopamine release. It's like imagining what my life would be like if I have that silk bed sheet or air fryer. Wait, does this mean I am no longer on survival mode? And that I've already proceeded to the next level of Maslow's pyramid of needs? Wow this is adulting. This is self improvement. I feel like Tyler Durden browsing the IKEA catalog. I feel complete.
This method works for a misanthrope like me. Suddenly I no longer need to talk to people. I can deactivate FB and not care about my equally uncaring so-called friends. You know why? Because I am busy now. Beautiful shiny things are making me happy now. The shopping app is my new best friend.
I appreciate the convenience of shopping through my phone screen more than ever. I get the same brands for cheaper prices and even earn some points. And the best thing of all? I no longer have to go to the department stores and have sales people follow me like dogs ugh. I no longer have to interact with them in person and put up with bad service (hopefully bots will replace you all!). I no longer have to have eye to eye contact with anyone. Oh yes, the tyranny of convenience. I guess the solution to loneliness is to just become a full on misanthrope lol. Mind you, you will no longer need humans. I do hope my cat can call 911 during emergencies tho lol.
I have this funny theory that no wonder why consumerism is so big in the West, it really does replace human connection so effectively (something most people there lack - thanks to individualism). And since I don't fit in on this communistic island, I have to resort to mild materialism now.
Don't worry guys, I am just trying to turn my apartment into a satisfying environment since I stay mostly inside (eat, work, and sleep). That's all. Nothing drastic or anything. Maybe I will blog about my loots soon too. I still go out to walk/jog and get some fresh air but I no longer need to mingle with my fellow zombies. I now have a nice place to retreat to and be safe from the outside world. I have everything I need and nobody can hurt me anymore.
When it's bright outside, and you're dark inside
