Am I?
Are you?
Back in the day, I wished that I live in a cabin, in the woods, with a cat, with my books, alone and away from it all. Why? I've had it.
I guess I became aware of life's harsh realities too early. I worked too early, went though bad things, and suffered too much. Now I feel like it's time for me to choose the best and less painful way to live.
Present day, okay here I am, we don't have woods, I don't have a cabin, but I live in a tiny apartment in a small city on an island. I have my books. I have my cat. Oh and I have 95 mbps fibr internet too. And what I don't have now?
When my best friend passed away 2 months ago, this is one of the songs I happened to listen to at the time and this line was what my friend probably trying to tell me ...
Swimming through the void
We hear the word
We lose ourselves
But we find it all
This line's still echoing in my ears. Did I now get what I wished for? Did I lose myself and find it all?
Tears subsided but the pain remains. What happens when the person who gives you the best memories becomes a memory?
Sometimes I need to shock myself a bit like tell myself harshly, hey, didn't you choose this life?
Whenever emptiness, sorrow, anger, and guilt creep in I remind myself that this is the life I specifically chose. And that all of these are just the consequences of my choices.
Forgive me if I am going to talk about my friend again and again, this is just the only way for me to heal. A couple of months ago, I was deciding to work and move back to the city mainly because I wanted for me and my friend to hang out regularly and be happy again just like in the old days. I didn't tell him exactly the reason all he knew was that I am lonely here. Now I really wish I told him what I really feel.
I'm always a little bit too late...
We used to say, friends make the place. What good is it to live alone in the woods if you will be constantly on guard against bears and other predators?
I got the job and I was already looking for an apartment and my friend was helping me and assuring me that we'll always have a good time. Then I changed my mind. I told him that I couldn't leave the peaceful and comfortable life I've built for myself here - living close to nature, without traffic and city stress.
My friend understood so instead of pushing what he wanted he respected that it's better for my mental health to stay here too. He wanted me to be happy.
I remember him saying that he wanted to move here too. And I was already picturing a happy day on the beach, sitting on the sand, drinking champagne, while observing people and talking about deep and nonsense stuff.
I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. And I still blame myself. Have I moved to the city as planned then we would always hang out and be happy. We wouldn't argue so much over the phone. He wouldn't be going to shady places looking for some random men to fill that emptiness. Then he wouldn't get COVID. Then he would still be alive.
I still mourn for the life we could have lived.
Life is a waterfall
We drink from the river
Then we turn around and put up our walls
I died when my friend died. I guess that's how I feel at this moment. This time around, I feel like I want to leave society and just literally live in the woods for I no longer deserve friendship and love.
I used to think that we don't choose things. That other people chose things for us or some invisible hand is doing all the work. But now, I feel like I was in control the whole time. So whenever I feel worse, I just try to remember that all these are just the consequences of my choices.
Sorry for being so dark today. I feel the need to write what I feel then maybe I could heal.
Life is a waterfall
We're one in the river
And one again after the fall
Then maybe we could meet again.