Don't be fooled by the image, I am not here to bring sunshine to your days. But at least you get a positive picture on today's post.
Oh, by the way, happy holidays cold humans! Ooops sorry about that. Now, why am I being diabolic in this festive season? It is as if something must have flipped and I am right back here in the darkness. PMDD, not enough mana, not enough sleep, aching liver? It could be a million other reasons. My brain reacts to something physical going on, hence the dark mood. Science told me that.
Despite the bright and sunshine day you see up there, I am actually thinking about death. Funny right? No, I don't want to die. Or maybe I do. But I could wait 1000 days more because maybe I will change my mind. Well, of course, I can wait. Why hurry? I can suffer a little bit more. I can revel in my loneliness a little bit more. I can tolerate this lack of meaningful connection a little bit more. I can live through this lifelong pain of mine a little bit more. Because maybe, just maybe, things will change. Maybe I will find love along the way, it's not that bad to ask for it. Look for it. That elusive love. Where is it?
I actually asked a close friend of mine that if the exit (natural or not) finally happens, he should share my blogs out there with the world, print some of them, or whatever. As if anyone will give a shit I know. As I get older, I realized how much people don't really care. They don't because they are cold. Inhuman.
My friend once told me that it could be more boring out there (As someone adventurous, this scares me, eternal nothingness?). To live is way, way harder. But you know, life isn't for everyone.
When the building is on fire and you're about to be engulfed in flames, your other option is to jump. Not because you like the idea of jumping off a building, it is because it's quicker and less painful than to slowly burn.
You can't force people to live.
Anyway, how was my holiday? Well, I am with Diablo of course. Thanks for asking. We ate, we drank, we slept. We live.
Honestly, I was not so keen on writing here especially knowing that we don't get a lot of engagement these days. Have we just turned cold around here?
Back in the day, I was in the same reality. Isolated. But there was Steemit and my lovely followers to ease the pain. Not sure why things have changed these days. We are becoming more and more self-absorbed. Cold. No more meaningful connection around here too. I don't mean to burden you with the responsibility of keeping me alive.
I got all these holiday gifs mass sent via messenger. I got pissed because honestly like what can be colder than that? It takes a few seconds to check on someone during this holiday. Mind you, I checked on some people, but sometimes, I am put off by the lack of response or whatever. People who are becoming self-absorbed makes you become self-absorbed too. Who else will care about you but YOU.
It is even harder to overtly hint your vulnerability and desperation because this can attract predators. There's no way out of this.
I am in a warm place. A beautiful sunshine island but people are cold. This is one surefire way to make someone feel alone in this crowd of cold people. It is enough to make someone mad. The reality is enough to kill someone.
Nuff said. Nuff with the holiday rant. I could wait 1000 days more. Because maybe, just maybe, I AM the light at the end of the tunnel.