The price of experience and living through this hell of a life is that you get to see through people. You get to see things as they are. You get to see the reality. You get to have a bit of self awareness.
Call me a disappointed idealist. Call me diabolic but slightly spiritual.
I'm big on self awareness probably because I like to question myself. Because question everything right? I like to gaslight myself every now and then, like is it me or is everyone crazy?
I've been watching this Netflix series called "Mr. Robot" just to distract myself from the craziness of our reality. I love the techyness and the weirdness of this crazy Mr. Robot simply because I can relate. Our similarity? We are aware that we have a touch of madness. Sometimes there's another Me trying to bring down the system then I will wake up and realize I am the system. Like I have this alter ego too called Angelika.
I mean, who aren't mad anyway? Are you aware too? Perhaps try to do new things more, meet new people more, live a bit more. As you grow old and see the craziness of it all, then you know I'm not alone. You are mad too.
I don't know who but someone told me that if you are well adapted to this society then you must be mad. There's a difference between being well adapted and just trying to adapt in order to survive. There's so much craziness around us it is hard not to gaslight yourself. To be honest, I don't care anymore. I created my own reality. I wake up, work, eat, walk, sleep. It's round the clock strict regimen just so I don't feel anymore.
The past few weeks I had been busy attending this dance class by the bay. I didn't know what got into me because I normally don't like to be surrounded by people let alone spend 1 hour with average human beings. Well, it must be my grief. Well, it must be loneliness. Desperation? I tried to connect with them and you know what happens when that happens? When I forced people into my life? It's a disaster. Or maybe I no longer see the good in people. Or maybe I don't ignore the red flags now. I guess I just miss my friend. I was trying to escape from my aloneness. I wanted to find his replacement so bad. But of course, there will never be. My friend is right. A person should have a craft. Then you don't get lonely. Then you don't end up with the wrong person.
The dance class was fun while it lasted. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bomb that disrupts the status quo - or maybe it's just all in my head. Who am I to think I am something? I'm not special just like you.
Quite frankly, I probably have such effect on some people. I am under socialized it's pretty obvious. If you pet me, I will hiss at you.
I just started this dance thing and rumors have already spread like wildfire. There's this bitter old lady who's part of the group creating issues between me and the dance instructor. I just went by his car one time since it's on the way to my place and she already gossiped me being a home wrecker. It's funny considering he carpools other ladies from the group too. I admit now, I am the issue lol. People are funny. I really just want to dance to the corny pop music lol.
The unhappy old lady went on as if she feeds on drama. The mean little girls also feed on her issues. My Gawd, I just want to work out and relieve stress and it already feels like some kind of high school drama for old people. I'm too old for this shit. I have no time and mental energy for this so I left straight away. I'd rather walk around the hood alone. There goes your misanthrope.
So yeah, I therefore conclude, I am the common denominator. Oh boy how I wish I am normal. I don't see myself as God but I do hell wish that when I walk out there, I am nothing and that I don't attract attention (creeps, mean old ladies, human beings, etc). And it's not even that I am something, I am not Malena. I am just a woman living alone in a small town who wants to be loved. And not be the object of lust, jealousy, and hatred. It guess it's my fate to be alone. For now.
My alter ego: