Dear old friend,
I don't know how to start exactly. Maybe I will start with I love you... Though not as much as I did when we were singing 'Shape of you' together over the phone at night. I don't exactly remember the time. Somewhere between 2 or 3? Do you? I am not exactly head over heels crazy for you now as I was a year ago. But surely there are some residues of that feeling left. It doesn't go easily...of all people you know that very well. Its sticky and stubborn...like some coffee mark on a white shirt. You keep rubbing, washing, wiping but the mark doesn't go. Maybe a lot of rubbing would fade it...but a light yellow spot still stays. The shirt is never completely white again. Same with the heart I guess? I have tried rubbing hard...so much that sometimes my own efforts hurt me and yes I have been very successful in fading my feelings I must say...I am trying to fade it more but gradually I am realising that the light yellow spot is gonna stay however much I rub. So maybe my rubbing is part over now.
The white shirt doesn't stop being worn just because of a light stain. People hide that mark though.
Do you remember the time I broke the big news to you? Yeah, I having a crush on you was always a big thing for me you know...not for you maybe, given that you get girls to like you easily. Sometimes I hate being in that category in your life- 'The girls who crushed on you' group. Yeah well factually, I do belong to that category but there's a difference between the other girls and me. Two differences actually. The first obvious difference being they didn't belong to your 'best friends' group like me. (Ya I know you always have groups for people. Apart from your ex girlfriend every person in your life belongs to a group. No one stands out alone. As much as I know you...you're gonna make an 'exes ' group soon. That unlucky ex of yours would soon get her group mates I am sure. :P) Resuming to the second difference, it's that I never fell for you for the same reasons my group mates did. Cute? Nup. Amazing writer? Yeah well..to an extent. Sweet? Duh. Sense of humour? You have a nice one but no. Then what?
It took me a long, long time to figure out the answer- your smile or to be precise your happiness. That was the prime reason. The fact that you are a total weirdo like me. The fact that you are like me. I know I am a gross disappointment to whoever made the opposites attract theory but that's the truth. You always wonder how I know you so much. Knowing you takes me no effort. Knowing you is as easy as knowing me...or sometimes as difficult. But I manage somehow because I know the things you know, I have felt the feelings you've felt. Where do we differ? You express them, I don't. I liked you ( I can safely use the past tense now :P) because of the way we resonated. I could hear your bullshit for hours you know and you were the first person I felt that with. The way you could spice up all the boring incidents with your stupid jokes and chuckles. (You chuckle a lot.) It's so stupid of me but I really liked your 'hai na' in between your narrations. I liked you because I felt special when I was talking to you. You show your original side to very few people. And whether you agree or not, I know I am one of those rare people you have been very original with. It was also maybe because I could see through you too well? Maybe because you had no other option than to be original. Whatever be the thing, I liked being in that 'rare' group of your life. I don't know if I still belong there. Has any girl ever liked you because you are so stupid and so innocent? They should because that's the most beautiful thing about you. Your innocence. How many of your friends know and also realise that the sarcastic comment expert is the most innocent at heart? That all his playing with words, putting up classy captions on pictures, cracking intelligent double meaning jokes is a pretence he himself isn't aware of. You have always squirmed in disagreement whenever I have tried to say something against your cool dude image. You know you are a kid, you just don't like the realisation of it. I like about you all the things you don't like about yourself. That's where I and my group mates differ. Maybe these are weird things to like in a person but who cares...you're weird. I am too.
As I write, I am getting recalled of all the moments with you...I was supposed to end in the last paragraph but when have I ever ended it short? I wanted to tell you that I finally found one girly habit about me. I always elongate a story laughing emojis. But then you too like to divulge in details, don't you? Another similarity.
I hope I find more girlish things in me so that one day I have to stop answering people if I am really a girl or not . As a kid I didn't care much but the world finds it hard to accept a 20 year old lass roaming around like a dude. You too took some time to accept that. Anyways I was telling you about the memories. The calls...they are my best memory. You talking about sexting and stuff at 4. Oh God! All your college stories and how some girls there irritated every cell in your body. How you won 2000 in an event and how you liked walking along the sidewalk while talking to me. Sometimes you had a coffee too. Your love for Starbucks and Game of Thrones...the classic 'waah' that you said whenever you liked something...the rain of abuse words pouring in from your roomies and you trying to shut them up telling them I was the 'studious' types...I wish you knew that being studious wasn't the reason I didn't abuse. I wish you knew the real reason. Never mind. I won't blame you for not knowing me as much as I knew you. You have your reasons and that's fine. You could have though...had you not tried to push me away the moment I finally started opening up, you would have seen my world. But you weren't that interested. Not your fault. There so many more interesting worlds out there that the world of a depressed weirdo hardly counts. Still I wish you had heard me that day...
Remember the games? You were so good at most of them. Remember the poem we made while playing 'rap-rap'? "The heart is the throne the brain is the king", I remember your line. I had also made some stupid line about you doing 69 girls. And that epic rapid fire? Do you remember that? We categorising our friends on cuteness, charm and what not! We were so stupid that day. You had kinda confused me too :P But we talked later and things were fine. I liked that about us. That we could always talk about any random shit and not feel awkward. As a friend I had started to believe that nothing could ever go wrong for long between us because we always talked things through. I really loved that. I have never had that comfort level with anyone so soon. Have you?
I wish we could play more games and sing more of our favourite songs over the phone. I wish I could keep teasing you forever. I wish we could turn back in time and have our beautiful days back. I wish I could hear your countless rants again. I want to get your calls again. I wish we could be like the old days and I am sad that we can't. I wish I could wipe off this coffee stain. The stain that constantly reminds me of a bond so true, of a time so much fun. Never mind. I will let the stain stay.
After all memories and wishful thinking is all I will have left of you now.
- an old friend from you lost touch with.
Iam 