My best friend’s dad is dying.
Not the cheeriest of Saturday morning posts...
Freshman year of high school I met my friend Ned. We started as friends. Then dated off and on from the end of high school through college. Eventually, we went back to friends... but the best of friends. He was in my wedding and I was in his. Our respective spouses are friends. I was there to meet both of his kids just hours after they were born.
Through our decades long friendship, his parents and sister have become my family too. I have eaten hundreds of dinners at Ned’s parents house. I definitely spent more time at their place through my teen years than I did at my own home.
And today Ned’s dad is definitely dying.
Ned’s dad is older than the rest of our parents. So while my parents just seem parent aged to me, Ed has seemed frail and grandfatherly for awhile. A year(ish) ago he had a stroke and had to move into an assisted living facility.
While days since then have been a mixed bag, Ed would still spend days at home for holidays and grandkid’s birthdays. He could come out to dinner sometimes. Dementia had been setting in, but conversations were possible and mostly lucid, even if they would drift.
Ned’s oldest daughter turns 8 tomorrow. So last night we went to their house for the “family” birthday celebration. Things had been thrown together last minute. In a text to me Ned had said, “things have been crazy this week.” I assumed crazy meant, work, shuffling kids around and the normal stuff of family life when your kids are little and everyone works.
It turns out Ned’s dad had another stroke Wednesday. A BIG stroke. He has lost his speech, his ability to swallow, the movement on his left hand side and is in a coma. He opens his eyes some and has done some hand squeezing (apparently comas aren’t like what TV makes them out to be). Mostly Ed seems agitated, confused and “not there”. He is on hospice/comfort care.
Ned hasn’t told his kids yet. They are so young, just 8 and 5. Ned repeated a few times last night how afraid he is of losing his dad on his daughter’s birthday.
The circle of life... on the one hand there we were. Long time friends, family gathering to celebrate a wee girl with her whole life ahead of her. We ate a great meal, opened presents, played video games, laughed and gorged ourselves on cake. While at the same time experiencing the profound heartache of preparing to lose a parent.
Life is always so complex.
There is so much going through my mind at the moment. Memories of dinners at Ned’s parent’s place. Ed would barbecue steaks with this delicious mushroom sauce I LOVED but his kids did not. Gypsy Kings would be playing on a record player. We would sit at their table talking about politics and history.
On Fourth of July we would always go to their house. Ned’s dad hosted a pine box derby race for the whole neighborhood. A few days before we would make cars for the race out of balsa wood in their garage.
At Christmas Ned’s parents always have a big open house. Ned’s dad loves scotch. So you would find him wandering around the house with a drink in hand and mischievous smile on his face. Their party is one of my favorite Christmas traditions.
Other thoughts in my head... I am going out of the country soon. I need to go. It is to see my husband’s family who live on the other side of the world. However, I am worried and sad that I might not be here when Ed passes. I hate the thought of being so far away when my friends are going through this.
But that is the thing with life. It still rolls on... even when sh-t is hitting the fan around you.
I have really mixed thoughts about death. I was raised Catholic, but am not religious. I am not one who believes in heaven or hell. I also don’t believe in a great nothingness.
I guess I have an underlying sense of spirituality? I have seen someone who was deceased before, and it was obvious that the essence of that person was no longer in their body. Is that essence their soul or just their energy? My intuition tells me whatever it is, is beyond my understanding.
I do think death is as much a part of life as birth. People tend to look away from it, and don’t want to talk about it or think about it. Heck my husband has panic attacks just thinking about death and what comes after. I am not afraid of what comes after. I just hope the process of transition from life to death is peaceful.
Anyway... I am babbling. If you have read all the way to the bottom, thanks for reading my thoughts as I am processing the news. Last night when Ned told me I was sad, but didn’t feel like crying. It was weird. Maybe my mind was more focused on him, his mom, his sister, his wife and the kids?
Today though I feel dazed. I called my parents and another good friend from school to talk about it. I think in those moments the sense of sadness and loss finally hit me. Saying goodbye sucks.