Confrontation isn’t everyone’s strong suit.

It’s a brand new day!

I was supposed to make this post at midnight but then, I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I crashed the moment I got home from Bible Study. Maybe my evening yoga session also had something to do with it. However, I woke up refreshed and thinking with better clarity. The meeting with my fellow students in Bible study also helped. There’s just comfort in association and sometimes, you need people who’d hold you as you bare your heart and cry your eyes out. That’s ultimately how my day went.

Today, I woke up quite early and did all I needed to do. Last night, we were taught to have goals. I realised that I have not really been goal oriented these past months. Of course, I set goals with my courses of how to use the skills I learned so I can strengthen my hand, but then outside of that? Nothing.

See, I realised something yesterday. Something I haven’t really thought about, or maybe I did but then didn’t give it deep consideration. This realisation came when I had a crash out with my mom. Last night. I came back from Bible study exhausted. Before I left, the atmosphere at home was already tense and this was because of certain matters that got to me. I was already on my toes and not quite approachable. I thank God for the family I have. They understood I was dealing with something and gave me space. That space didn’t last long however, because a mother is a mother.

I came home from Bible study and my mom wanted to know what happened. She kept pushing and asking for answers that I just lost it. I lost it and went on a whole tirade with words. Within me, I kept trying to fight to keep quiet but it seemed like my mind and mouth had minds of their own. Everything just poured out like water bursting from a dam. I had no control over my emotions in that moment. I felt cornered and I lashed out.

I felt sorry afterwards, not for what I said but how I said it. I was already hurting and I couldn’t grasp my emotions. I cried and bared my soul to my fellow study mate and I was still feeling raw, open and vulnerable. I think I just snapped.

When I was done going on the rage and asking to be left alone, I took some time alone. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to think and in a house of three, with very little room, I can’t afford it. It felt like I was suffocating.

But as time passed, I saw that there may be a good thing in what happened. My words echoed in my brain over and over until it wrote itself within my heart,

“I told you I was feeling hurt and can’t talk about it. When people get hurt give them time to deal with their emotions. You must not get answers as to why they feel that way. Give them time to process what they are feeling first before asking them to explain it to you. Even me, I don’t know how I feel right now. I just want time to think. Can’t you give me that? I can’t talk about it right now so give me time. Time is all I ask. When I’m ready I will tell you what the problem is.”

That’s what I said in a voice that was way louder than my home speakers. I bet the neighbors heard me but it’s like I had no control over what came over me. I was already avoiding coming home because I knew my mom would press. I wanted to cool off some more so I went to a friend’s place instead. It seems maybe I shouldn’t have gone home at all. What has happened has happened, all I can do now is learn from it.

I immediately learned new limits I possessed. I knew I don’t like being pushed but that was a whole new level of discovery. I raised my voice at my mom. It’s like I lost all semblance of control. This just taught me that a cornered tiger may fail to recognize even their loved ones. I never want to feel that way again but what to do?

I also realised that I would have to bear this in mind while relating with others. When people hurt, don’t try to get words out of their mouth. Give them time to process. Not everyone is confrontational and would want to tackle the problem head on. Some of us like to retreat, reflect and then come back. We take this time because we won’t want to make decisions based off our emotions alone. We are prone to doing that and it has always turned out badly. So, we take the time to think over things carefully and slowly. We are more likely to crawl with this process because we are sifting through many other emotions and it is important to us that these emotions are identified and understood, so they don’t impair our judgment.

Many times, when we are not given the time needed, we could lash out. We would bare claws and fangs and then we regret it. I think it’s crucial to understand people around you. It’s important to understand their strengths and weaknesses, this way you don’t destroy relationships with your actions. If you have a friend like me, give them time. Let them process but just be present. We just need to know you’re close with no other intention than just comfort. When they are ready, they will open up.

However, when you expect them to just come walls crashing, you may be faced with disappointment. They are human beings and when humans feel vulnerable, they defend, guards go up, shells as hard as iron. Only they have control over it. Don’t push them, don’t goad them, they may cut you. When that happens, the wound might be too deep to come back from.

I thought about this so much and I have a new resolution. I will keep to it, for my sake and for the sake of those around me. This happened for a reason and that reason may be for me to - from my own world of hurt - see how to make my immediate environment better. How to create a world I’d like to live in. One filled with nothing but love and affection, no judgement whatsoever. Who am I to judge anyone?