Happy Easter!
We spent a fair amount of time outside today, working in our garden. It was a nice sunny day, and since we are usually faced with pervasive rain this time of the year we have to seize the opportunity whenever we get some sunshine.
While pulling weeds from what is going to become the pumpkin patch, I found myself thinking back to aspects of my childhood and how they ended up shaping my later life.
We all learn different things during our upbringing and chances are we end up taking most of them with us - even if we don't necessarily want to. And even if we're conscious of something, old habits have a way of sneaking along... perhaps masquerading as something we didn't quite expect.
So anyway, one of the things I definitely learned as a kid was "the Fine Art of not being seen."
What I mean by that was that the safe way to be part of my extended family was to remain largely invisible and unnoticed.
Move quietly, try to tiptoe through the room when the adults are looking the other way, don't say anything, don't make noise, try not to be obtrusive, do your best to not have any kind of needs or demands.
Some of this was actually a taught skill. Because we traveled so much and lived in so many different countries, one of the things my dad always insisted on was that we try to fit in and look like locals as much as possible, rather than stand out like tourists. And that's actually a useful life skill to have.
I learned (many years later from a friend of mine who's kind of a pseudo survivalist) that there's actually a name for this: "gray man."
Being a gray man isn't so much about hiding in the shadows as it is about being completely unobtrusive and neutral at all times.. when you are unnoticed and somebody might ask if you "had been seen," you're so non-descript that nobody can actually describe you... literally, you are a gray man, like a shadow.
But there was a more sinister aspect to not taking up space and not being seen.
Being "seen," as it were, meant there was a much greater chance that I would either be put to work doing something I didn't want to do, or I would be subject to some kind of lecture about why I wasn't making myself useful. It was simply the wise choice to be as invisible as possible.
Psychologists will tell you that we do many things that are perfectly valid Life Strategies when we're trying to navigate a chaotic childhood and youth.
The problem is when some of these habits continue into adulthood and actually become obstacles that stand in the way of our happiness and success in life.
For example, trying to be unseen and unnoticed in job situations definitely did not serve me particularly well, especially in the context of such things as job performance and promotions and pay raises. The squeaky wheel gets the oil is the old saying goes. My natural tendency was always to be extremely "well-oiled" at all times so that I could move with complete stealth through situations.
I have to admit that being invisible also didn't serve me particularly well when it came to dating! Most of that experience was an epic fail for me because I did the exact opposite of "posing and displaying" to attract a mate. I can look back at that now and laugh but at the time it was rather frustrating.
While at University, I can remember having several arguments with friends about whether or not I was at particular events and parties I most definitely was present at.
All these years later, I still occasionally feel a natural tendency to "not be seen," because it somehow feels safer. Strange how difficult habits can be to get rid of!
Thanks for stopping by and have a great week ahead!
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Created at 2024-04-01 01:48 PDT
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