One of my clearest memories of childhood has always been the eternal need to be quiet.
Being quiet wasn't just about not running noisily through the house, and not shouting, and always remembering to use my "indoor voice," it was about quite literally moving like a shadow while not saying a word.
Being quiet wasn't something that was connected to occasions where my dad had had a long day at work, or my mom had a headache, it was a permanent condition that laid heavily over the landscape since my earliest thoughts.
In many ways, being quiet became a fundamental survival strategy. Not being quiet meant attracting attention, and attracting attention was definitely not something you wanted. Not that I was afraid of getting beaten or anything like that, but I might end up with a long lecture about how "nobody likes little boys who make a lot of noise" and a trip back to my room for having broken an unspoken household law... which was that things were to be quiet at all times.
The quiet wasn't necessarily related to me, specifically; it was related to the entire house. There was no radio blaring, there wasn't any background music playing, and we didn't even own a TV because my dad said it was "too noisy and stupid."
I can clearly remember getting up to pee in the middle of the night — as maybe an 8-year old — and being very aware of tiptoeing to the bathroom; keenly aware of where every creaky board in the floor was and avoiding it, sitting down to pee because the stream hitting the water when standing might be too loud otherwise, and then sneaking back to bed without flushing because the sound of flushing might make noise and wake somebody up.
Sometimes, just for fun, I would sit in my room and practice being completely inaudible. I would find a place on the carpet, try my best to relax, hold my breath and listen as best I could for the sound of absolute and complete silence not even my breath being heard. I would imagine that it was pitch black, and I was so still not even a predator with great hearing could detect me.
I don't know the age at which I learned this, but I knew it was very early and I know it was natural practice for me throughout my childhood and youth, and I also know that this became such an ingrained habit that it has never left me although I don't go to the extremes I once did.
The interesting side effect that manifests in my current late adulthood is that many people tell me that I have stealth or ninja skills because I just "show up out of thin air" and nobody heard me coming.
I guess what I was brought up to do must be pretty unusual because virtually everyone seems surprised by somebody my size moving with no more noise than a feather drifting on a breeze.
However you might regard this particular childhood life strategy turned into adult habit, one of the interesting side effects is that it has always stood me in really good stead with respect to my love of nature photography because I move through nature like a shadow as well, and I know how to sit extremely still for long periods of time. Somehow it has also earned me the unofficial title of "cat whisperer" because cats seem to sense this stillness and are very comfortable with it.
Again, I should emphasize that I was not under any particular threats of bodily harm, abuse or anything like that, the motivation was purely to avoid being yelled at. And that "being yelled at" wasn't necessarily loud and intimidating yelling, it was simply being endlessly reprimanded and disciplined extensively for any transgressions, and perhaps having to endure a 30-minute lecture from my mother about how "nobody likes little boys who make a lot of noise."
Unpacking the human psyche in our lives can be an interesting experience. Random thoughts all of a sudden present themselves and invite deeper exploration, if we care to do so.
Some people might look at the situation and start squawking about abuse, but I was always a quiet kid anyway, so while living with the anxiety of punishment was a bit sketchy, I would have preferred quiet, anyway.
I still do!
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2026.09.05 22:42 PDT
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