This morning I woke up from a night terror, drenched in my own sweat, trying to catch my breath and make sense of the surroundings about me. My heart beat like drums at the peak of their decibel. And my mind slipped from reality back to nightmare before I could realize I was in my own bed. And I was ok. Over a year ago, I was diagnosed with severe PTSD, panic attacks, depression and anxiety. I'm being watched for potential bi polar disorder. It's been a struggle before not knowing and becoming someone I couldn't stand. I was angry, at times violent and inside I was crumbling. But this...was never what I wanted. To feel ok bc I'm pumping 7 pills into my body and a hormone I wish I didn't have to inject every 2 weeks; for the REST of my life. I never wanted this. Sometimes I feel bogged down by this "necessity" that comes with mental illness. I would tell myself I'm not one of them. These pills are my new prison. And today, I just want to breathe without them. But the cost, is nightmarish. I've managed to find a way to manage this but not without disdain, losing people who felt my integrity for being sober was a lie. That I'm not capable of taking care of the things I need to. But the truth is, you don't know me. And I don't need to justify the reasons I decide to use marijuana/CBD to control what I need to. My sober journey is not yours. Unless you know the depth of my struggle or decide you want to support me in the things that help keep me healthy and sane, fuck off. Can't talk to me about it and rather disappear, fuck off. I'm an alcoholic, and I'm sober. I'VE made it.
Read next
From @deepak1212