With all due respect: this piece was not written with your needs in mind, so judging it by what you would like it to be is not wise. But if you were to ask respectfully for something that fits your specifications, I would consider crafting you something that could work. Also: don't count out our fellow writers, a number of whom are very good and have been reading my daily work for a while. They might not come up with what you or I would come up with, but this community has some very strong writers.