Virgil waited another few seconds to let his monologue really set in. Most folks weren't listening anyway by now, they just wanted to get a close look at Judas, or see if their Ex was somewhere in the lake - as if sleeping with Cindy in accounting was gonna get you sent to hell.
After a minute or so he continued the script. "So ends thy passage through Hell - know thee well it's terrors and flaunt not the edicts of God. The exit to the surface is to the left, for those of you who purchased the HPH triple pack, please continue to the right. Farewell."
About damn time. Some of these tours were more taxing than others and this one was one of the worst. Some Silicon Valley dude and his family just complaining the whole way down. Virgil had a migraine.
Virgul started towards the employee elevator back to the curtilage with the other non-believers when the silicon valley guy started snapping his fingers at him. Virgil looked back incredulously but the ass just kept snapping. "Sir?"
The man pointed out into the center of the frozen lake. "Yeah, what's that?"
Virgil followed his finger but didn't see anything. "What's what?"
"That." The man sounded irrititable. "Over there, the hatch."
Virgil looked again and saw it. Strange that he'd never noticed it before, in eons as a tour guide. "Huh. Sir, I'm not really sure. Probably for maintanence."
"You're 'not really sure,' seriously?" The man turned and stared at Virgil. "You're fucking Virgil and you're not really sure?"
Virgil saw the man's young boy tense at the sound of the curse. Who brings kids down here, seriously? "Sir, there are children present."
"Children?" He looked down at his kid and gestured to the surroundings. "My child you mean? Here, in hell. How about you keep your family pro tips to yourself Virge."
Virgil hated that nickname. "OK sir, sure. Anyway, the tour is over so please exit to the right if your continuing on to purgatory."
Virgil made to leave but the dickhead stopped him. "Whoa, hold on. I paid for this tour."
"So did everyone else sir."
"Yeah, but I paid for the full tour."
Virgil's head was pounding. He tried to remain calm. "Yes, sir, and that's what you have received."
"No, that's not what I've received Virge." He pointed again at the hatch in the middle of the frozen lake of doom. "What. The. Fuck. Is. That?"
Virgil had had it. "Look jackass, I gave you the full tour. I don't know what that hatch is, but it is not part of the tour, OK? So do us all a favor and GTFO, got me?"
For a second it looked like the dude was gonna step up to Virgil. The guy's wife intervened and he whisper yelled her into submission. Then he stepped over the safety barrier. "Fuck this."
Virgil ran forward as the guy walked out onto the frozen ice. Leaning over the safety barrier he beckoned for the man to return to the path. "Sir, you're not allowed over the safety barrier, it's dangerous."
He kept walking towards the hatch. "Dangerous my ass, this place is Disney land - your lawyers wouldn't let a cat get hurt in here."
Virgil was starting to panic just a little. Last time something like this happened he'd been forced to spend a week on level 3. But fuck if he was gonna step onto that lake. "Sir, please."
The douchebag reached the hatch, stopping to kick Benedict Arnold in the face when the revolutionary betrayer lunged for the guy's ankle. "Fuck you Benedict." The man bent over and started to twist open the hatch. "Let's see what we have here."
Virgil saw the man's child looking worryingly after him and patted the boy warmly on the head. "It'll be alright."
The man's wife saw and smiled embarassedly. "I'm so sorry about this, Jeremy can be very stubborn. He needs to work on his anger issues."
Virgil just nodded and rolled his eyes. He turned back to Jeremy who was prying the hatch open. "Jeremy! I would suggest leaving immediately."
But Jeremy didn't hear or didn't care. He opened the heavy hatch with a loud slam and peered inside. Virgil was genuinely interested as to what he might find and after a minute of silence, he asked. "Well, what's in there? Jeremy?"
Jeremy didn't respond at first, but just kept staring, his face past the lip of the hole. At the sound of his name he jumped up and screamed, falling backward into Benedict Arnold who took the opportunity to gnaw on his ankle.
Virgil saw what was about to happen and leapt over the barrier. As he raced toward Jeremy, Virgil saw him stand up and kick at Arnold again and again. "Jeremy, calm down!" But Jeremy didn't respond, just kicked and kicked until one blow broke Arnold's jaw and sent Jeremy stumbling backward, straight into the open pit.
Jeremy's family let out a terrified scream, as did several of the other tourists who had stuck around to enjoy the spectacle. Virgil arrived a moment later and looked down into the pit.
As though looking through a lens at a distant scene, he saw Jeremy destitute, starving and homeless sitting outside a penthouse. Virgil could recognize Jeremy's son and wife smiling happily in the windows of the building, talking with another man.
Virgil sucked his front teeth.
Jeremy's wife called out. "Is he OK?"
Virgil sighed and responded quietly to himself. "I hate this fucking job."
[Photo Source]Gustavo Dore public domain
