There is a thing people say when something bad happens to someone they care about. Everything happens for a reason. Or the classic, there is a lesson in this somewhere. Said with kindness, i know. Said from a place of wanting to offer something useful when they do not know what else to give.
But sometimes sitting across from someone in pain and offering them a lesson feels like handing someone a book when their house is on fire.
I lost someone close to me a few years ago in a way that made no sense then and still does not make particular sense now. And the amount of people who tried to assign meaning to it, quickly, almost urgently, like the meaninglessness was the most uncomfortable part for them, was something i noticed.
Not everything that hurts contains a hidden gift. Not every loss is secretly a redirection toward something better. Sometimes things just happen and they are just hard and they cost you something real that you do not get back. Sitting with that, without rushing to the lesson, without packaging the pain into something tidy and usable, is actually one of the hardest things.
We are uncomfortable with meaningless pain. It feels more bearable if it served a purpose, taught something, led somewhere. So we reach for the meaning quickly, sometimes before the person who is hurting has even had space to feel the thing fully.
But grief and pain need room to be what they are first, before anything else. Before the lesson. Before the silver lining. Before the growth story.
Some things just hurt. And the most honest thing you can offer someone in that moment is not a reason. It is just your presence while they sit inside something that does not have one yet.
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