I really feel so shitty writing about this. However, there are no words left to say, and no tears left to cry. Nothing is more relieving to me than jotting down my emotions.
"I no longer love you," you said.
It was hard for me to believe that you were telling me the truth, but you were. I wept so many times to the extent those around me began to think I was obsessed.
"He has gone mad," they said.
I guess I never really saw it coming. I couldn't just bear it. I always thought I would be your Romeo and you, my Juliet. I had forgotten that all relationships don't end up the way we want.
I begged and pleaded for your love. You refused when I asked you to stay. Meanwhile, I was so blinded by the affection I had for you that I had to be shaken into wakefulness. I was so angry because you didn't fight for us. I didn't understand what changed and what made you not to love me anymore.
Pardon me, but your words and your actions poisoned the idea I had about love.
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"You imprisoned me," you said.
My heart ached whilst hearing this. I felt so down. Did I disgust you that bad? You bailed on me when we were supposed to be facing our adversity. You left when I needed you most. Your attitude towards me changed all of a sudden. Every time I think of you, I see you pushing me far away. Funny how our story ended up to be an unrequited love.
I am not accusing you and I definitely don't want to discredit you, for you were the girl I once loved. I fell in love with your mind, I fell in love with all your theories, even with the ones that were funny and wrong. You were that benevolent sweet girl, the girl who made me extremely happy and the girl who taught me so many things.
Looking back, I see how desperate and weak I was for your love. I wanted a girl who didn't love me. You were my weakness. I didn't think as a rational being when I was around you.
I am sorry for not letting you go when you wanted me to. I am sorry for thinking we could make it work. I am sorry that I valued our relationship and chose to protect it. I am sorry for all the drama. I never had an intention of hurting you, but I did. I am sorry for all the wrong I have done.
"Do you miss her?" They would demand.
I don't know," I would say.
The truth is, I do miss you sometimes, but I don't understand what I miss. You are just somebody that I used to know. A lot can happen within a month; people do change, memories fade and love loses its electricity. Maybe I miss the old days, and your company, maybe I miss the habit of conversing with you.
Paulo Coelho once said that a habit is not a need.
Maybe you are just a habit, but not a need anymore, because I don't see the beauty in wanting someone who doesn't want you back. One day, I would see you out there, and you would be a total stranger. The thought of this is frightening, but people change and life goes on.
Loving you had consequences, loving you was complicated. It was the best of times, so also the worst of times. I don't know where I stand in your life now. I feel I'm only a bridge to your past....I guess its hard time I moved on.... Ciao