My anxiety has been remarkably absent the past couple months, and I'd like to give a shout out to the things that have made this possible.
If you have ever experienced anxiety, you know that its absence is an absolute relief. You can breath again, and your heart beats at a reasonable pace. The elephant sitting atop your chest? He walks back to his watering hole. You are in control of your tear ducts once again. Your parasympathetic nervous system finally wins the war, and YOU are allowed to revel in your own okay- ness.
The opposite is a depleting barrage of symptoms: racing thoughts, racing heart, and a yearning to race away. In the worst of times, I'd wake up in this state. Before anything in the new day had a chance to reach me, I'd descend into manic overdrive. I am immensely grateful to have spent the last couple months in a better place. I have had moments, but nothing like the perpetual onslaught I once experienced. It took a long time to progress to this point. It took tenacity, compassion, and experimentation. I had to figure out what worked for me, and I'd like to share in the hopes that it will resonate with someone in this Steemiverse.
I began by speaking more openly about my struggle. I told my loved ones; I asked them for support. I brought it up in conversations with anxious patients, so that they might feel empathy. In doing so, I lessened the shame I carried. I had been embarrassed by my disorder, as I understood how good my life was. What right did I have to experience anxiety? Every right. The more I spoke out, the more people I found who were squaring up against the same bad guy. I began to feel connected and understood, rather than guilty and ashamed.
Once I felt validated in my struggle, I was more comfortable engaging in indulgent self- care. I started taking fish oil and a women's multivitamin. I diffused soothing essential oils to accompany my morning coffee. I helped my body recover from grueling workouts by stretching, foam rolling, and sleeping longer hours. I made "health contracts" with myself, outlining goals for each week. I'm not sure that the individual practices mattered as much as the fact that I was doing something. I was empowered by the active participation in my own recovery.
I then began to shift my perspective. I realized that my emotional state had everything to do with my response to the external environment. This empowered me towards critical thought. I considered the parts of my life that demanded things from me: my job, my relationships, my education. Every time I felt depleted by one of these, I changed how I thought about it. For example...
~ I had to get up early to finish assignments for my online class? This class was my ticket for eligibility to graduate school.
~ My body was physically spent from 12 hour work days? There wasn't a shift in the hospital that didn't involve deep connection with a coworker or patient.
~ I fought with my boyfriend? We are comfortable enough with each other to engage in critical dialogue. We are a better partnership because of it.
In each of these scenarios, I shifted my attitude towards gratitude. There is a REASON that we choose to invest in these things. It is because they give back to us in abundance. They make our lives richer, and they are worth the effort.
Reframe, and allow the landscape to shift.
The struggle can seem downright immense. Believe me, I understand that. I still have days where I feel like a victim of the harshest sort. I don't know that that will ever go away completely. But it gets better, I promise you that. I send love and light to each and every one of you.
