Middle of the road in a little town of six thousand called Marion, about a five hour drive inland from the Virginia coast. Pura and I stopped there for breakfast when we left Virginia Beach a few weeks ago en route back to Tennessee. Had it not been for a pair'0 jokes that got served at breakfast that morning, I'd be writing about something else right now.
We took off to Virginia Beach, Virginia the week of St. Patrick's Day, an eight hour drive from East Tennessee. Neither of us have been there and our lease expires here in August, we're shopping for a new roof to lease as you read this. We didn't plan on being back in the states this long, thought for sure planes would be in the air by now—so much for that!
Virgina Beach, Va. March 2021
Street art—the closest we got to beach life. From the moment we stepped foot in Virginia until the drive home three days later with windshield wipers flying at max speed left and right, it poured rain and never let up.
We booked our Air B&B stay about a month prior, no way we could've predicted the weather. We'll be relocating this summer and looking forward to getting back to a coastal city, figured we'd give Virginia Beach a shot. It's a nice place to visit. We're gonna check out Treasure Island, Florida, next month.
I suck at parking
But it was right on the beach! Only the boardwalk separated our balcony from the sand.
The empty boardwalk and empty sand. That was the view from our balcony. We were looking forward to some east coast sunrises—so much for that! So we stayed in, ordered take-out and stuff, and I rolled around in bed with a 10 for two days.
Watching Law & Order marathons, of course!
It had a little kitchenette, those are convenient. A refrigerator, too, we put our waters and leftovers in there. What else? Coffee pot! We brewed coffee in the coffee pot and washed our dishwasher safe coffee cups in the dishwasher.
London didn't have coffee pots in the room—instant coffee. Believe that shit?! Instant coffee. Yeah, right! They drink tea for breakfast in England, we weren't made aware of that until we woke up there the first morning. If you want good coffee in England, go to a Turkish market. I'm doing this because I ran outta shit to say about the Air B&B stay.
It had a toilet (the stay), I've never stayed somewhere that didn't. Probably three or four ceiling lights complete with light switches. A couch, dining table with four chairs, two wall-mount TV's and a roof that kept us out of the rain.
But we stopped at a joint called I don't remember in Marion, Virginia, for breakfast on our way home. No idea what it's called. Can't tell you what I ordered, either, nor what Pura ordered, and I never considered pictures because I didn't plan on documenting the trip. Refrigerator, rain.. not much to write about. That's when it got funny. I snapped this shot of the town theater across the street.
So now it's Monday, 17th of March, St. Patrick's Day, we stopped for breakfast. Both of us ordered a water, I think I ordered a coffee for myself as well. That's right, I did! They didn't have creamer. The restaurant staff is decked out in green with green skirts, hats, bright green beads around their necks, everyone's dressed appropriately for St. Patrick's Day—our waitress included.
"Ya'all ready to order?"
I looked across the table to Pura because I never order before her. "What'll ya have darlin?" She smiled while pointing at a green logo on Puras sweatshirt, "ok, you got your green on today, know what'yer havin?"
Pura ordered the such n such something salad probably, I don't remember, but whatever she ordered, it came with a bread and butter pickle. I linked that in case anyone tuned in is seeing bread and butter pickle for the first time. I thought everyone knew what those were and I never suspected a 5-star chef (my wife) who manages produce orders for a major food chain and everything else she loves about food not to know what a bread and butter pickle is—we call these Pura moments:
The bread and butter pickle, so does that mean the bread's already buttered?
Genuinely confused and compulsory, I pulled my eyes from the menu I was zeroed in on and stared across the table at her with every uncertain facial expression I could come up with on short notice as though a St. Patrick's Day fart suddenly infiltrated the restaurant. Our waitress, head to toe dressed in green didn't know what to say, she hesitated. Pura then proceeded with both hands to mimick the motion of spreading butter across a piece of bread:
I would like the bread and the pickle, please, just no butter if that's ok?
That's how long it took me to realize she has no idea wtf a bread and butter pickle is
'You realize it's a pickle, right? Bread and butter pickle is a flavored pickle, not a piece of bread.' She pointed back to the menu and turned toward the waitress lookin like a deer in headlights:
So this is a typo then?
Laugh Out Loud! I could no longer contain myself, I laughed out loud. Once I laughed, the waitress got the internal green light and also laughed out loud, Pura had no idea what we were laughing about. I explained in more detail how it's not bread at all and it's actually a flavored pickle, going as far to show her an image of a jar online from the store she manages in that stores brand name. We still laugh about that one. Alright, my turn.
"And how's about you, hun, know what you're havin? I see'yer purdy ladies got her green on but I don't see any on you, where's your green?" What I said was:
My eyeballs have covered me my whole life.
What I meant by that was, I have green eyes, the greenest green eyes you'll ever see—super green. They're not hazel or kinda green with other kinda green colors, either, they're green-green. Fun fact: Only 2% of the worlds population has green eyes.
I've used that one my whole life. If I wasn't wearing green on St. Patrick's Day and got called out for it, I'd always point to my eyes, "look! My eyes are green." But when I told the waitress that, she looked at me as though I spoke a foreign language. Either that or she's never heard someone use their green eyes to avoid being pinched on St. Patrick's Day. Something. Has to be that, no way she didn't hear me, she's standing less than two feet away. In her startled yet equally concerned voice, "excuse me?!?" I repeated myself.
My eyeballs have me covered my whole life.
That's how long it took Pura to hear wtf the waitress thought I said
Pura: LOL!!! "You know it doesn't sound like you're saying 'eyeballs' right??"
That's when I realized what the waitress thought I said, 'ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!' Oh fuck that's funny! Once Pura and I were both laughing out loud at myself, our waitress got the internal green light and hysterically laughed louder than both of us. All three of us laughed our asses off that morning all before she put in our order. She thought I said 'My balls have covered me my whole life.' ..Twice:
My eyeballs have covered me my whole life.