Dear Subaru: Firstly, I appreciate the heads up each time the roads are icy, good lookin out!' What I don't appreciate is your unwillingness to engage the seat heater every time you remind me it's freezing outside! 'Road may be icy. Yeah, yeah, you always say that. So is my seat!' There's nothing hands free about vehicle operators pressured to push their own seat heater button with cold fingers. It's dangerous and irresponsible.

_{Genius, right?! One hashtag and it's like nothing ever happened}

Or when the person at the register can't make a single purchase without scrolling through their feed the whole time, "uh hu.. okaaay.. (never once looking up at the cashier) uh hu.. like oh my God ok, yeah.. like I've been like totally digitally stalking the Kardashians for like 14 years and like seriously lack all social skills okaaaaay."

#ClassATM

_{Tada! Like it never happened}

Similar to an anti depressant only better cuz it's not science at all. Not in pill form or anything, it's just a hashtag.

Next time the old white bastard (cuz only old white dudes are bastards) instigates an altercation in the market parking lot, he won't have to panic like the passive natured, old, white and gray haired, terrified bastard he is:

"9-1-1!!! I'm calling 9-1-1!!"

Wanna use my phone motherfucker cuz your horn ain't doin shit!

_{Now it's probably necessary to fill you in on the backstory...}

So there's this entitled old white bastard who can't drive, right? Two single-file lanes of vehicles are properly exiting a crowded parking lot by merging onto a public roadway in zipper fashion—right merge, left merge, right, left, right (zipper). But this dude whom I didn't know was an old white bastard at time of altercation nosed his car out toward my car expecting me to stop vehicle traffic behind me cuz he's too good to zipper.

_{I was in dire need of a hashtag}

I continued tailing the vehicle in front of me like any other passive-aggressive, aggressive driver who knows how to zipper properly in traffic would do and....

H0O0NNK!!!

Now I'm compelled to get a better look at who tf's laying on their horn in this fancy, no zippering Lexus SUV with gold trim. I didn't stop traffic behind me. Instead I continued rolling forward as I rolled down my window to see who this obnoxious horn honker is that's making a scene in a crowded parking lot at my expense.

_{Oh, hashtag. Where art thou?}

It's an old white dude, typical entitled bastard. He's staring and pointing frantically with every extremity like a gullible schmuck who jumped in ice water cuz his buddy promised he'd jump right after but didn't and instead he's bent over laughing uncontrollably at his frozen schmuck buddy who can't find his nuts.

_{"They were here a second ago"}

I stopped, rolled down the black tinted window and motioned to the old white bastard with both hands opened in a horizontal position forcefully holding down air like an 80's break dancer whose ghetto box ate the cassette tape. He stopped honking long enough to maneuver his fancy Lexus rapidly toward my car in a failed intimidation attempt before coming to a sudden stop about a foot shy from my taillight.

_{I lost it}

See, what that dude didn't know because he was too busy relishing in his own self entitlement is that morning was the morning of my cover image debacle. Old white bastard picked the wrong day to fictionally instigate a vehicular collision because he didn't know how to properly exit a crowded parking lot.

I threw it in park, released the seatbelt, hopped out the car and was at his driver door faster than a panicked old white bastard scrambling for his phone screaming "9-1-1!! I'm calling 9-1-1!" Screaming from his driver seat at a dude bigger than him with the same color flesh and probably more tattoos (to keep the bad people away) than he's ever seen up close like that who's half his age sayin:

Wanna use my phone motherfucker cuz your horn ain't doin shit! It's not my fault you can't drive.

#ClassATM I needed you! The solution would've been instant like a button on an uncooperative zipper.

There's a few cars backed up behind him now, about a dozen behind me including a UPS delivery truck and I felt a supportive atmosphere in the air. I could tell everyone zeroed in on the action like hexagons on a soccer ball agreed with my actions at that moment. He was wrong, I was not. But he was old and didn't deserve my public display of affection like that, I know better! If my grandmother were here she'd punch me in the mouth and wash it with soap.

But it was missing cover image day!! I was in a horrible mood that morning, it's no excuse to be disrespectful, it isn't something I'm proud of but he picked the wrong day to be an old white bastard. Had someone created #ClassATM prior to that altercation (gotta do everything myself) I wouldn't be entertaining the shit outta you with this story right now and the last thing that old white bastard heard would not have been:

Careful what you wish for old man or you might run into someone like me who got off to a really bad start this morning.

He's punching frantically on his phone screaming "9-1-111111!!!!!" I got back in the car, closed the door and put my seatbelt back on. Not a single car in front of me anymore, put in gear, calmly eased onto the main road and caught the green light.

Moral of the story: I got something that fixes all that stuff—everything. Next time, if there is a next time I'll just recite this hashtag and forget the whole thing happened.

#ClassATM