What's worse than a middle-aged, native English-tongue-having, white man?
A middle-aged, native English-tongue-having, white man only child, am I the only one..
...who thinks it's funny when they see a boat with a tarp on it?
No! Please, no! Don't get my boat wet. Anything but THAT!
Makes about as much sense as Los Angeles Fire Department extinguishing a structure fire with moonshine.
Senseless like fake nipples.
Don't get my boat wet's about as stupid as ordering dinner without a plate.
Hi, thank you for serving me. I'll have the snow crab and vegetables, please, no butter Oh! And another thing. No plate. Yeah, just throw it on the table. Also, I'd like a bowl of your tomato bisque appetizer, minus the bowl. Thank you!
Raise your hand if you ever went to a blog post and got a free magic trick like don't take your eyes off the
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Cottage: Cozy little cabin nestled away in the woods.
Cheese: Dairy product that pairs nicely with just about everything.
Question: What the fuck is cottage cheese?!
I was in the gardening center at Hormone Depot yesterday. It's what I call Home Depot—where all the construction guys go for building materials so all the lady sales associates dress sexy like Halloween night—Hormone Depot.
I got Atlas with me cuz no magician leaves the house without his assistant. We're scoping out all the different colored decomposed granite when, over my shoulder, I overhear a conversation between a male employee and a female customer and he goes:
Sounds like you got a healthy bush.
.........
....
Nearly 50 years I've been waking up and not a single once did it occur to me all I have to do to make money being wildly inappropriate is get on Hormone Depot's payroll.
'Sounds like you got a healthy bush?!?'
I'll never forget how awkward I felt the first six or seventeen dozen times I complimented fake boobs like a new tattoo:
Nice tits! Where'd you get'em done at?
Had no idea I could go straight to bush if I worked at Hormone Depot..
Sounds like your bush could use a little trim.
Come, with me. I got just the right seed for your bush.
If you need a hand digging up your....
I HATE missed opportunities!!
Wanna put a stop to school shootings?
STOP HAVING KIDS!
Wanna put a stop to all school violence?
STOP FUCKIN WITH ABORTION LAWS!
Morons.
Stupid like trying to keep water out the boat.
A boat with a tarp on it makes about as much as sense as casting a fishing line at a tire shop.
Hi, I got a little over 30 thousand miles on my radials and was considering switching to a more aggressive mud terraaayyyYY.... Dude! Is that a tuna on the rack?!
Senseless like artificial fingerprints.
I think of weird shit sometimes like why is there an N in messe[n]ger? I've never messanged anyone. Never left a voice messange on a machine, either...
I think of weird shit sometimes like I've never received a call from someone who extended their life, all they ever do is die.
I've been sober for 10 years now. 10 years and some change. August 2nd is my tenure if you're keeping score. No pills or cigarettes or liquor or beer or any substance that requires anything other than photosynthesis to develop—sober. I used to drink bourbon and Coke.
Now, I enjoy a piece of dark chocolate with my Coke Zero. I used to drink bourbon and Coke.
Now, I don't wake up in strange places and then praise God in the middle of a dimly lit, unfamiliar street after jumping from a third floor balcony to escape some chicks grasp I've never seen in my life with a monkey on her shoulder screaming, "but I got 9 more!" and then finding a truck that looks a lot like mine when, come to find out, it is mine!! I used to drink bourbon and Coke.
Now, I've been jail-free for 10 years and some change! I used to drink bourbon and Coke.
Now, I don't have to apologize for saying what I really think cuz ever since I began seeing clearly, I'm able to disguise my true feelings.
If only comedy stole the headlines instead of innocence.
Is your refrigerator running?
Wake up tomorrow and your algorithm's got Putin prank calling Macron and Kim Jong Un's challenging Kamala Harris to an ice bucket challenge—loser buys ice cream at the local children's hospital but no0OoOo...
Destruction
{ʙᴏᴍʙꜱ}
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You know you're old when you're sitting across the dining table from your wife and the two of you are discussing pros and cons between selling the house or keeping the house and one of the first pro's is: "modern diagnostic center nearby."
Or, if you've had sex with an IcyHot.
(On your back, I mean)
(I mean sex with an IcyHot patch on your back!)
Meh, whatever. So I got a back that looks like turn 1 at Daytona. I refuse to let it handicap human natures finest couple of minutes.
I'm from where the weed's so good it's only after your toothbrush enters your mouth you realize just how similar Aquafresh is to Aquaphor.
One more, but only cuz it's real short.
Target, I've mentioned it before, American consumerism's version of Disneyland. If you've never been stateside, Target is a department store the size of an airport that sells everything from cilantro, toothpicks, socks and underwear to motor oil, solar panels, medicine and live chickens—Target. They sell, quote, healthy candy there, too.
End quote.
Alright, so, I'm at Target a couple weeks ago because Pura's birthday was right around the corner and I'm a got dang gentleman, that's why! I should get her some sugar-free candy, I thought. She has chronic pancreatitis—can't consume unnatural amounts of natural sugar.
No added sugars, no sugar alcohol and absolutely NO erythritol! Monk fruit's fine, Stevia's ok, it's challenging. Takes time.
There's a lot to watch out for.
Doesn't help when the fine print's finer than fine print on a U.S. quarter dollar.
Big shout-out to ChocZero for preserving all that real estate on the back of the box!
Anyway, Target, I grab a bag of M&M looking candies and that box of ChocZero cookies, there's quite a few, quote, healthy alternatives, end quote, to choose from when this ghetto ass chick next to me who hasn't been there longer than one minute's growing unmistakably impatient by the second.
Sugar free?? Healthy alternative? Where all'da real candy at?!
Ghetto like pajamas inside Target at three in the afternoon ghetto with socks and sandals, what's up with that anyway, socks and sandals? And sometimes they don't even wear clean socks. Decayed old hand puppet looking atrocities that need put out of their misery.
I got two things of candy, I'm good, but this lady's so aggravated she's pacing back and forth and talking loud enough to herself I can hear everything she's saying, I'm not going anywhere. I grabbed a bag of whatever it was and acted like I cared what it said on the back and she's all..
Why everything gotta be healthy! Wher'day keep all'da real candy??
I pretend not to notice but it's a front, it's all a front. That store coulda been on fire and Id've pretended to read whatever those were the whole time she flipped out.
It's against my religion to disrupt a quality performance.
Dis can't be all'da candy. Dare's gotta be mo candy round here somewhere!
She whipped her hair around and hastily stormed off to the center bay and down a couple aisles; each heel and each toe sound off like sandpaper against stucco as they're dragged across the hard floor barely able to stay on her feet because they're fucking sandals—heel - toe - heel-heel - t-toe.
Sir!
She's a couple aisles away now but I still hear her like she's right next to me, she must've found an employee. She's persistent.
Sir!
Sir!
Excuse me, Sir!
SIR!
Just like that, too, hardly a 1/2 second between sir's: "Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!" Demanding dudes attention.
Sir, where all'da real candy at, you know, real candy like Snickers⁉️
Real like Snickers, end quote.
I can't see either of them, they're a couple aisles away but I hear her, the whole store can, and then a man's voice yells back:
"LADY! I DON'T EVEN WORK HERE!"
