8d 20h 59m Saved:$50.32
Pulse Rate: 94% Tooth Staining: 63%
Circulation: 10% Brain Reprogramming: 20%
I know that people won't consider it quitting when I currently have a pack and smoked 9 cigarettes yesterday. What you need to understand is that I'm reprogramming my brain with my mantra.
"I love my body. My boys deserve a healthy father. I honour my body & my heart. I honour my boys & their future. I need to live as long as possible because my dreams are just that big" I repeat this to myself about 20 to 30 times a day. It seems to help with the cravings. I've noticed that when a craving has gotten far enough my mind gets stuck in a loop and I'm very clever at justifying having a smoke. I'm going to continue repeating this mantra until I no longer crave that toxic disgusting smoke.
I'm humbled by the responses to my post yesterday. I feel as if I'm onto something more powerful than anything I've ever experienced, so I'm going to attempt claiming another moment that causes a negative emotion. I'm going to go back to a memory that makes me feel unloved, abandoned and unwanted. This memory involves my former wife that I loved deeply for 16 to 16 1/2 years. When she was in the room I couldn't take my eyes off of her. When she kissed me with a passion I couldn't breathe. I had the love that books were written about. That nation fought wars over. I had a love that people seek for their entire lives. I'm grateful I had that love and blessed that it lasted as long as it did. The memory that still hurts me to this day was weeks after she had thrown me out. She said I was killing her. That I was sucking her energy & that she was no longer able to be with me. That I needed to leave. My worst nightmare was coming to forwishen. I was losing the only thing I felt I was unable to lose. I pleaded. I cried. I yelled and fought. I was attempting to grip tight and hold on. I was witnessing the end of my world and everything I knew.
This moment takes a little background explanation. After we separated I was under the impression that it was only temporary. That I would leave for six months and then we could work on rekindling our love and return to our former glorious selves. She had requested that I date so that she knew I wanted her. I explained that the thought made me sick and it would cause more problems. She was insistent. I remember feeling trapped. If I didn't date I wasn't listening. If I did she would always wonder what I did with the woman I dated. I contemplated a way out for days. She allowed me to come over a few days later and she brought it up again. I was lost on my drive back to my windowless office where my new bed was a couch from our past home and the buzzing computers hummed all night long to remind me that I wasn't home. I had a moment of pure genius. When I returned to my warehouse office home. I texted her "I changed my mind I met someone and I do want to date". She replied, "That was fast". I then proceeded to message her on Facebook "Hey I've been checking out your profile and you seem really cool. Would you like to grab some coffee sometime"?
We messaged back and forth as if we didn't know each other for an hour or so. She came and visited me that night. It would be the last night I felt she loved me. The last time she held me as a lover and soulmate. The last time she looked at me with a longing love in her eyes. That night was more precious than a billion dollars. A week after that she was still set on me dating someone else during our separation. My brother had suggested that the only reason she wanted me to date was that she wanted to date someone. When I confronted her with this idea that I never even considered before she admittedly denied it. I know now she had already been on a date with my friend and employee. That's still not the moment I'm claiming.
As I laid at the foot of my bed in my brother's basement room with my three boys fast asleep. I felt it. I felt her moan as he touched her. I felt her mind release the very thought of me as she ran his hand down her chest to unbutton her pants. I felt his breath on her neck and his lips softly rub her shoulder. I felt his eyes admire her body as she spread open to allow him in and thrust slightly forward. I feel him enter her as she releases the breath from her lungs. I feel her flip him over and climb on top of him in the throws of passion. I feel her hand grab him and place him inside her as she lowers herself to fully accept him. I feel her grip his chest as she rapidly moves her hips up and down on him. I feel her reach ecstasy as she is about to explode.
This is the moment I claim. This moment is mine. This moment would not exist if I hadn't been in both their lives and although this is the moment they fell in love and ended the world I knew. It was a beautiful moment. She felt complete and he felt light in a world filled with darkness. This moment had nothing to do with the thought of me and wanting to destroy me. I inadvertently created this moment for them and I'm happy they got this moment. I love them both very much and I'm lucky I got to be a part of both of their lives. I love you guys and I hope this moment brings joy to your worlds. That when you are feeling unloved and unwanted that you remember this moment. That you realize you are both wanted and loved. That you realize your souls and hearts are beautiful and deserve to be filled with joy and euphoria. I claim this moment of love and the suffering and agony it caused was worth every tear I shed from this very moment.
I love you both. I take any shame you may have to myself. I hope you see that you both needed this moment to feel love to accomplish your destiny. I pray that you both find the love in this moment inside yourselves one day. That the wells of love inside you can fill every moment you claim with love, but I'm sorry to inform you that I claimed and labelled this moment as my moment. I labelled this moment as beautiful. It belongs to me now and I will cherish every bit of it.
I love you all.
