I want a new job. I want to quit. I want to put in my 2 weeks. Today. I still worry about making rent and bills and stuff.
I don’t want to worry about this anymore. And it’s really not that much honestly. I am going about this all wrong. By worrying about money I am pushing it away. I ought to love money. What I really want is to not focus on money anymore. I want to focus on things that matter to me, like writing.
I want to focus. I really just want to do this for 12 hours a day. I want to delve deep into topics and share them with the World. I want to have my own voice. I want to have fun. I want to be playful. And I want to be vulnerable. I really want to be on fire all the time and be able to write long-form articles. This really appeals to me because I will be proud of myself for having fulfilling productive days. It’s so easy to get caught up in distractions. My weaknesses are my phone and the Internet. More specifically, I tend to stay online for long periods of time just wasting time clicking around and everything. Using social media can’t be good for our minds. I also still spend too much time in bed, although these past couple of days I went to bed late so it caught up with me.
-focus
-communication
-writing
-video
-skype
-writing
-video
-talking to people
-interviewing
-being interviewed
There is a lot of fear attached to me when I think of career. I want to make a change, but I don’t know how. Or when I think of quitting I get scared because I don’t know how I would make money. Or feel like I would slack off or something. I don’t know. I think if I was able to just focus on something. Just focus on ONE THING. That ONE THING will propel me forward. If I was able to just sit here and write all day then that would be satisfying to me I think. I think my mind gets scattered though. Like I feel like I should be doing other things maybe. I don’t know. Or don’t feel I’m being healthy by being alone so much. But I don’t even want to worry about that. I also worry about being stupid. I know I’m not stupid, but when I can’t explain myself thoroughly that makes me think otherwise. But man, I really ought to be more positive about this whole thing. Like, feel good about my life, about myself, about my life. This is pretty much the main reason I want to be better at communication. Sure, I could read all the fucking books I want about it, but if I’m not actually using my voice to communicate, then I’m just spinning my wheels. If I don’t try then what’s the point. I could see that being a fun challenge for me. So maybe, my theme for this year will be all about communication. God, I feel so rigid sometimes though. But I don’t know, that’s like a good thing to me. I want to be a very good communicator.
-writing
-acting
-voice over work for cartoons :D
-skype sessions with friends and clients
-youtube videos
I want to get back to Gregg. I want to really feel like myself again. I think another theme for me is slowness. I am very interested in personal growth but only in my mind. I would like to come more into my body so-to-speak. This goes hand-in-hand with career I feel. Because I have become so automated my actions are automatic. My body is on auto pilot. This means that no matter how hard I try I just keep doing the same thing over and over (i.e. going to work). I don’t even care anymore though. I can worry until the cows come home about making rent or whatever monetary goal I can think of but to me, that’s lame. And when I think of it I could be doing a whole hell of a lot more with the time anyhow and be more creative.
The truth is, I don’t want a job. I just want to create. Create what? Anything people find valuable.
-a blog post
-an article
-a video
-a song
If I did have to get a job I would just want the bare minimum to survive. Actually, I don’t know if that’s entirely true. I don’t know though. This right here. Me writing this with seemingly nothing else going on excites me. It makes me feel calm and also productive. I actually do love work. That is, if it feels right. My relationship with my career has been an abusive one.
Well, if my job was a relationship (which it is), then I would want to break up. In my real recent relationships, I have wanted to break up but stuck around. This isn’t fair to anyone involved. It’s not fair to them because they could find someone else, I am basically wasting their time. I am also wasting my time. It’s been 2 years in my current (job) relationship and nothing has changed. It hasn’t gotten better, in fact it’s gotten worse. I am still making the same amount of money when I started (which is another level of the relationship). Let’s talk about that for a second. My relationship with money has been abusive too. I am basically showing up to get paid to pay for rent. What the hell is that? That’s not a relationship, that’s prostitution. Instead of paying for someone to sleep with me, they are paying me to show up and not do anything. My relationship with my body and time is also fucked in these terms. LOL. It’s funny, but not. Not at all. I am just continually wasting my time and other people’s time. This whole thing makes me feel so weird. It makes me feel weird because I am 32. 2 years ago I was told to get a job, any job, and I did. This one. 2 years later and things are still the same. There is something going on here where I just accept things the way they are. I accept reality the way it is. I don’t fux with it nearly enough. Or at all really. This keeps happening. I keep getting into these situations where I just accept it and don’t do anything about it. If I am upset about it then why do I just accept that? It’s kind of disgusting when I think about it. I basically am saying to The Universe that I don’t value my life. I say, “I don’t value life itself.” I’m like, here, give me a life, give me time, yet I just squander it away. So here, I need to value my time a whole hell of a lot more, I need to face fears (quit or put in 2 weeks notice), I need to value my body and my mind, I need to actually go towards things I enjoy and make me feel good.
-Time
It’s really that simple for me. What is more valuable to me, time or money. Time. Don’t get me wrong, I value money, but time is way more important. I value time more because wasting time just feels horrible. When I know things don’t feel right I don’t try to rectify it. Instead, I need to use my voice and just say how I truly feel regardless of what it causes in reality. I can be fearful before, during, and after, but doing it is what matters. Fuck it. I need to put in my 2 weeks. Regardless of if I have a job lined up or not. I mean that sounds risky and foolish, but I haven’t done anything up until this point and I feel it would light a fire under my ass to get moving and stop being so comfortable. I’m pretty comfortable numb. But also, this job has been giving me anxiety in the morning sometimes. Basically, I keep re-hashing this point, but being at this job for 2 years gives me anxiety. It is is a mix of the amount of time being there and also my age, 31 going on 32 soon.
