It would be so wonderful if I am free, free to eat what I wanted, free to travel, free to go outside of my own and feel the rays of the sun on my skin and the life-giving oxygen from the semi-polluted and possibly dangerous air because of my sister's husband that turned the side of our house as his aviary of love birds where he sells them.
Now it is not also possible for me to walk because of my damned feet, they have painful joints that goes off their sockets when I stand-up. The knees are joining the symphony of misery not to mention my left hand and also my dear back which I am afraid that would break soon.
I missed chatting with another human being, and what I mean by that is a normal conversation using my mouth. Although my speech can be understood my voice had been altered so much by Leontiasis that I really do not like to even hear it myself, I sound ridiculous and I know that people are just discriminate and prejudge someone by the way they look much less sound like.
So I am always reserved and keeping things to myself, not even making an eye contact because I just wanted to always vanish when around people especially when I get to go for my dialysis. I just do not like going and wheeled by the waiting area where the relatives of other patients sometimes rubber-neck on me, one of my peeves. Most people are just uneducated for being polite.
And the food, I am so frustrated all the time because the food here in my home is not of my liking because of the way my parents cook the food, no variety, always the same and it feels like I am in a survival mode when it comes to food. But even though the food is so fabulously delicious guess what? I have no appetite for it.
Even with a good appetite I couldn't eat normal amounts because of my extra water in my system. It will just make me so breathless so much so that i will not surely be able to make it on time for my next dialysis if I would eat normal as it requires me to drink as well which in itself is limited.
Yes I am like surrounded by four walls, barriers that makes my life like this, like a rat in a cage, not much options and that is what I have to accept. I am still fighting to make changes in my life so I am ever so patient but my patience and perseverance might also destroy me.
So right now is just a waiting game and hoping that my body would not give-up, it is beyond my control anyway so I will just take what was left from me and live my life as comfortable as I can but right now all are just surrounded by thick walls where I have no idea if I would even break through it all.
