Image 1 + 2 by Press 👍👍 Love you 💖 from Pixabay
Dear lovely ladies,
Although I signed up already a few days ago I did not do anything on Hive except of getting used to it so this is my first post and I wanna say thank you that you created a place for women to support each other here. You are very nice and it is helpful to read other womans thought for me to not feel alone. (I read a few articles) I was looking for something for... maybe for all my life. We will see <3
After school I became a pharma ref, was managing a restaurant/disco and then they got bankrupt and for hte last years I work as a service/kitchen fairy. A few months before the worldwide lockdowns I found out that my boss who told me I got paid out a bonus actually deducted my overhours and after I complained I was fired.
This job was super exhausting anyway, the boss was a aggressive capitalist woman with no knowledge about how to manage a restaurant and it was also not very well paid, but I could take my little dog to work and pay my bills easily.
My colleagues have mostly been students who worked part time or some young people who ust needed a job for a while. So it became normal that I was doing over hours and often work 6 days per week. I think I never had a free weekend during almost 2 years. Either I worked the saturday night shift or we had our monthly brunch on sunday.
Sometimes a friend took care of my baby over the weekend so I could enjoy some time without being boughter to play or go for a walk. But more and more I had to fight myself out of the bed or from the couch out of the house to go walk my dog. Things that I loved and enjoyed so much like spending time in the parc playing together stressed me more every day.
If you have a italian espresso machine at work you first pump yourself with loads of coffee and increase the amount every month or even week. Some day it was not enough anymore and I got myself other things. As a teenager I already tried some drugs here and there and enjoyed using it a few times per year. But looking back while I worked there. The last 6 months I used more than 5 g of coke for work and some other stuff like mdma a few times, speed and in the end also crystal while I had a foursome with 3 men I would not even want to talk to for longer than a minute today. Also I ate less and less and got thinner and thinner what I liked a lot in the beginning. I was always a little chubby although my mother is super thin. My father made fun about my weight calling me pastry names and so on. Now my father complains I am too thin. No matter how he is not happy with what I do.
My parents almost not talk to each other for decades and use me as a messenger from time to time if they hae something they do not want to tell or ask the other person. This was always a big burden for me. I have an older brother who is not very masculine and since he has his girlfriend he just spends time with her.
She is overweight and just nearly had a heart attack a week after we have been eating all together at a all-you-can-eat mongolian barbecue restaurant from which I remember that she started with a plate of fried stuff and did not eat any vegetables or anything that could be healthy. After I stated that my brother didn´t want to talk to me any more. She totally controls him.
Luckily I had one friend who was there for me. After my gangbang drug weekend that could have killed me we planned to meet and I just forgot a whole day and wasn´t willing to answer my phone. Although I was not holy I always have been punctual so the next day he came to my house to look for me because he cared and felt something is wrong.
One of my party friends brought me to my house and just left while he arrived. I almost shit in my panties as I did not know what to say. But he just smiled like the mid day sun, gave me a hug without saying a word, looked at me and then said.
"Great to see you. Let´s have a tea. You look like you have a lot to talk about..."
He immediately knew what happened without me saying a word. We just know each other for a while but he has been my best friend as we had a very deep connection and often talked all night long. Now i told him everything I was hiding. All the painfull stories I carried with me for years. It´s been hundreds of stories from childhood to today. I think we talked for 3 days and nights without sleeping. I just took some more coke before we met but he was sober and just listened to me for about 2 and a half days without sleeping.
It was the first time I was absolutely honest to him and the first time I was absolutely honest to myself or at least mostly. There are still some unhealed wounds very deep inside but most of them could heal after I accepted them and I did let them go now.
Image by 2234701 from Pixabay
I am grateful that he saved my life
Never ever have I met a person in my life who was so nice to me without any expectations. He spent the next 6 months with me almost every day trying to make me go out of the house and eat or at least get out of bed and take a shower.
Nobody else helped me at that time. Although I told my friends that I am in a very bad condition, they wanted me to help them with something or join something they want to do. Not even my family wanted to talk to me. They just all left me alone and ignored my problems or maybe I was the problem.
All my friends, all my family, every person I knew just wanted to talk to me about their problems while I was in a suicidal stage. It happened a few more times that I tried to cut my arms or attack my friend with scissors or a knife. I do not know how often but not very often I was told.
He lost his job after he called sick several times because we talked all night or I needed him to be with me. He spent all his time and savings to help me survive and in the end I took what he had left and moved. I feel ashame how I treated my life saver. Without him I would not have made it off from the drugs.
I know it sounds absolutely crazy what the drug lady days but he is like a yogi, a guru, he is like Jesus. Not one person I ever met is even close to being as positive as he is. Just the thing with staying awake 3 days AND listening to every single word, drying my tears and giving me the perfect advice to every problem and question is more than I ever expected from any person except of maybe my mother.
He is also the reason I joined Hive as he was recently blogging about how to make money here with free speech but I just follow him and he does not know. After I stole his stuff he once called me after a year but I couldn´t talk to him and hung up. I never apologized, I was too ashamed too talk to him. Did I mention. Due to the lockdowns and bullshit I have not found a job until today so I had to move to my parents. For more than 2 years I am clean and would like to have a normal life again but without any money to even take a bus or pay a coffee it is very hard to include yourself back to society while you are anyway not the nice shining blonde beautiful women any more that wants to hug everybody.
Working as a waitress and having to smile all day while you die from the inside leaves some scars that never heal. All my life I had this fake Barbie smile on my face and thought everybody would be nice until I found out there was just one single person who ever was nice to me my whole life and I broke his heart and believe that there is anybody else except of him who is able to love.
Image by luxstorm from Pixabay
Every day I think about it. Every day I miss him
So I started taking care of myself and my life. I do sports almost every day and cook my own food most of the time. I do meditate, I am grateful for being alive, I take care of myself, I eat good things, spend time in nature and now I have almost finished my first blog and many will follow (sooner or later).
My hero I lost but I have another love I have a good chance to get back. My little baby dog!!!
I gave her away to a friend who would give it back to me whenever I can afford it and we meet very regularly or i take her out for a walk. I still do not feel to have my routines and my mind under control to totally take care of her. Getting a dog was a big mistake in the situation I was in and I haven´t really thought about it.
It was very hard to find a job where I can bring my dog and that job was paid bad and an average dog costs about 10 000€ per year in time and money if you calculate it. About 3 hrs/day x 365 days x 10€ -> 10 000€ (if you would hire somebody - incl food, veterinary, insurance...)
Wow that turned out to be a long story although I not even started mentioning many details. There is so much more my hero did for me. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, fascia massages, help me sell my stuff and get rid of all the useless things, taking care of my dog,
Maybe I will write another post about one of the details.
Thank you for reading
If you are in a similar situation as I was let me know and I will try to help with my experience or will let you know who the hero is but will not mention him publicly.
If you are ready for him, you will find him or he will find you. Before that you will probably not be able to understand.
At least for me it was like that.
I am new here and know nobody but I saw a stream from 
Have a great weekend!
And always be honest
At least to yourself
Katy
