I had in mind a different title for this article, but I've changed my mind because it didn't feel right. Forest fashion week:winter edition sounds quite shallow because trees never put on a show and even if they would, they would not need it. They are beautiful during all seasons, not only when they change to winter clothing.
I witnessed a heavy snow in the forest. My first time catching this early in the morning. It surprises me what effect nature can have on my mood. I have raised my eyebrows when I woke up and looked through the window: fat snowflakes falling gently. I had other plans which included yet another tiresome weekend filled with renovations and wall painting. I have been so occupied with moving out, taking care of the new place with furniture and other stuff ( I am proud for having put tile in my bathroom and kitchen on my own...it was a pain and I felt utterly proud and...exhausted) and also renovating the back room of my salon ( major mold issues). To say that I feel drained or exhausted is an understatement. But I have a strong motivation to pursue my goal and try to overcome the amount of fatigue I am feeling. This is why I had the least emotional reaction to the scammer who stole my identity: I am too busy and overwhelmed with the life I have now. But when I saw snow...and winter knocking on my window...I have said: this is it. Screw the mundane life with all of these never ending tasks that appear because we want to make a better life out of every opportunity. Screw working so damn much that I no longer have time to NOT think. So I am going straight into the forest and finish the chores later. In the last couple of weeks it has happened the other way around. The forest had to wait for me to get my stuff together. Oh yes of course , what human will not complicate their life? Come one, you can do it! I say it with a smirk...
The walk felt incredible. The way the forest looks while snowing is magical. I forgot my water and I took freshly fallen snow from the branches and tasted it. Crunchy. Fresh. Liberating. I remember last time eating snow when I was a kid. I realize when I go deeper in this magical land that everything which seemed so big and important is actually a pebble in an ocean. Nothing. I often have run- away -thoughts like retreating completely in the woods, building a log cabin where I could receive guests for a living and live my life far away from civilization. Nature is so simple at its core. It just is. I work constantly when I go in the woods to liberate my mind from thoughts. It is a tough exercise. Our mind can be a hungry beast, we always have to churn incessant thoughts into it to continue thinking.
When I look at the hills and hear the silence , something utters to my ear: I want to be here. Maybe this is my hermit side, which longs for solitude and simplicity. I think of how we are all just passengers on the train of life and how we have no clue when it is going to end, but somehow we are ignorant to believe it is going to last forever. If we would realize how fragile life is, how sudden you can lose a loved one, how unexpected an illness can be, then we would reconsider all of these " important" chores we put on our shoulders. We would fight against our ego for real and truly allow ourselves to love and be loved. While walking in these lonely woods I think of how the cycle of life is one of the most complex things I have tried to grasp with my imagination. Isn't it a miracle the very fact that I can see? That I can watch snow falling and look at the trees. Do we even appreciate the small things when we are consumed by city life?
I ponder. Somewhere far away a CEO is building a company from the ground up, having millions of employees, hoping to leave a legacy. Will anybody care 300 years from now? If that person will die of a heart attack or fail to have a love life, would they turn in their graves wishing they would have made a different choice? Look at the Colonel. His finger licking good legacy goes on. True. But the forest doesn't care. Nobody knows what was in every hero's heart. If they died happy doing what they did. If they longed for something more than for their success. I smile thinking how we will all return in the womb of Mother Earth like nothing has happened. Is it all about the journey of our soul? Are we in fact just like the forest who changes clothes during seasons while its core remains the same? I ponder again. I think of how we embellish our lives with more than 4 pairs of clothing. How we drown ourselves in entertainment or social media to forget about what we don't do because we are afraid. I have a thought: if someone would be truly happy, would they even use the Internet? Would they even want an online presence?...I think of how the majority of those who came to know bliss were those who retreated in nature, those who saw the futility of focusing more on the destination than on the journey.
Every time I go back in town from the forest I have a burdening feeling: that I don't belong here. I find the noise and the agitation of people mostly futile. Everybody is rushing. People talk loud in the streets consumed by whatever petty things happened to them. Oh my husband doesn't love me, I need a better job, I have so much to do, If only my enemies would die, Why is he happy, I am too old to get a divorce, When will Covid end. Sadly many worries are about the next day: will I have food to eat?, will I be able to pay my mortgage or my rent?, how can I resist mentally in a job which consumes me? I don't blame the people, I think the system of what we call society is flawed. It is not designed for the happiness of humans, it is designed for slavery. Under the shackles of bare necessities which have to be met, the slaves no longer have time to think about their own soul which is dying while they run for money thinking that this is what is needed during their short existence on Earth. A human can die tomorrow and not having lived for real one day in their lives. This is sad. People can become so consumed that a statement like I am too busy and overwhelmed with the life I have now can sound normal. It is not. I observe myself and see how I can also have these moments. When I snap. But something happens to me when I get out of the city and retreat for a couple of hours in the forest. It is like coming back to a truer me.
I don't know when I will die. Neither do you. But what we imagine that matters now might not mean a thing when we will be close to the edge. I haven't heard anyone longing for more money, possessions or fame when they were nearly dying. But I am sure they all wanted more experiences than they had and almost all of them regretted the things they did NOT do. This might make you think if it touches your soul: what fear prevents you from doing what you really feel like doing? In this tiring daily race , what are you forgetting? The winter may cover you for a little while as your soul remains your core, screaming in silence for you to hear.
