Hey girl! I am more than happy to share this as it also helped me to understand so many things. I remember reading about your interaction with your mom in some of your posts. I can see why this is a painful thing to talk about . I am impressed that you can comprehend the bigger picture as indeed what she passed onto you was passed down to her as well. Anger usually hides fear and it is usually a defense mechanism. Once we can understand this, a whole array of facts disclose themselves to us. You are in a tough moment right now, to have to live together and also cope with her anger and your helplessness. You must have nerves of steel in order to withstand everything. An angry parent is most likely going to lower your self esteem. My father had the same issues and I can see how much his early behavior affected me. He is an alcoholic and since my parents got divorced I no longer kept contact. I did manage though to have one final talk with him this year telling him what an awful job he did as a parent. His answer...Anger. I believe that dealing with angry, sometimes toxic, relatives is the hardest thing to do. There are many layers underneath someone's behavior. The way you relate to the world is what your caregivers taught you. Part of the healing process is to become aware that you are actually strong and that you don't have to fit in the box people put you, including your mom. It's hard girl, so hard. I managed to grasp many things about parent-child dynamics after I have discovered Harriet Lerner. She has a book called The dance of anger, I totally recommend it to you, it will be mindblowing to read this , it will help you understand many many things about your mom-you dynamics.
People don't talk about trauma from several reasons: they don't see it as trauma, it is too painful, it is an excuse to remain the same, it is part of their ego, it feels shameful etc. Non-acceptance is always the cause. It also took me years to understand my own trauma and how having the parents that I had affected me a lot in the way I behaved, in my romantic relationships and in my way of seeing the world. Think of parents like those who pick a glass through which you see reality. Until you grow up and develop awareness, you keep on looking at reality through that old stained glass your caregivers passed onto you. Imagine some people die thinking that "their reality" was all it was....when in fact there was an entire different world under that glass lens.
I truly truly hope and pray for you for overcoming this and I hope you heal and reclame healthy boundaries. It is a longtime process and it will be tough. I admire that you acknowledge the problem straightforward and that you want to solve it. You are already one step further into changing the you from today to the you from tomorrow. A better you, a more self-aware you, the kind of you that will shed the old clothes of childhood that no longer fit you. Buckle up, it's going to be quite a journey girl! I am spiritually with you all the way, I pray for you! Hugs , big hugs !