A lot of people have someone.
And a lot of people don't.
A lot of people want someone.
I think most at least want some.
I don't know what I want.
And I do.
And I don't.
It comes in waves.
I can go to bed lonely and wake up stoked to have the place to myself so I can fart and shit and look like what I look like before I get my stiff middle-aged spine fully erect and my heels to touch the ground. Look like what I look like before I brush my hair and teeth and drink coffee. Hell. don't even have to brush my teeth until after coffee. Or ever. Not kissing anyone but the dog.
Once I do finally brush my teeth I can spend the day being all kinds of joyfully busy and go home and tell the dog and cat all about it. Maybe send a few texts, maybe get a couple replies, take a shower, then stay up late dreading going to bed lonely again while simultaneously being glad I didn't have to wait for you to get home before I can eat dinner and do you mind if I go skating after work tomorrow or do we still have to go do that thing with your boss that neither of us wants to do and why the hell do I have to go again.
I've been alone for a very long time. Decades. I was even alone when I was in relationships. Maybe I never wanted an intimate relationship in the first place. Maybe I was scared. Maybe both. Most of the time these days I don't think about it until I see someone's eyes glow or a laugh between lovers or a pair of squirrels fucking on a telephone pole.
It's worse in spring. Glowy and laughy and squirrelfuckers all over the place.
I'm not a snob. Not aloof and standoffish and avoidant when it comes to connection. I'm not averse to affection or sex or even the occasional compromise. I'm not asexual. I'm not a cold fish.
But I'm not available.
And I still haven't figured out why.
Hence I've come to a decision.
I'm gonna bust out of the comfort zone.
Try something new.
So come 'ere, pal.
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Yeah ok so I'm already regretting that.
