"I don't cry". That was the story I told myself for years and years, and it was a useful story for a while...
I was teased a lot during my childhood. Some kid would say something awful and then I'd cry because it hurt so much. And then they'd tease me more about crying. It was a vicious cycle (maybe you know this cycle too).
Somewhere around age 13 I'd had enough. I realised the tears were making it worse so I made a decision to stop crying. I "toughened up". I got "thick skin". I scowled at the tormenting comments and over time the teasing got less and less. I appeared more confident but every word of criticism still hurt.
But now I had a new persona; the tough girl, and this character pervaded every aspect of my life. The tough girl didn't know how to cry even when horrific things happened.
She bypassed her emotions when she was harassed, assaulted and abused stuffing all those feelings deep inside of her. She thought other people were "babies" who were "too soft" when they cried in front of her. She even lashed out nasty retorts when people were trying to give helpful feedback.
For over 20 years she barely cried. Then her beloved grandmother died and she finally let herself cry. Over the many years of exploring personal development, she had mentally learned that crying is a normal human experience, but she'd still struggled to do it. So in the safe space of a nurturing friend - who believed tears were completely normal during times of grief - she cried and cried and cried.
That was the beginning of allowing myself to feel - to really feel - the depth of my being and my aliveness. But it was not the end - as I was reminded in an EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) session this morning when I found a huge black cloud of sadness that filled my entire chest.
And immediately mind judged it:
"Haven't I dealt with my sadness already? I'm good at crying now when I need to! Why is there all this sadness here???"
And then another, wiser part of me laughed, loudly but not unkindly, and said:
"Where did you think those 20 years of uncried tears went?
Do you think they just disappeared? That because you chose to not cry that they just went away and looked for a new home?
No babe, they have been sitting in your body, patiently waiting for you to be ready".
