We've all had to say goodbye to people we love or care about.
Sometimes it's a sudden goodbye of death, knowing we'll never see them again.
Sometimes it's a less final goodbye, more of a "See ya later" that never happens. A move to another city or town or state, perhaps.
Sometimes it's the lingering, never know it's happening until it's happened goodbye of changing and growing apart.
I've come to realize of late I've been experiencing that last one with my children. When they were younger we were close. I raised them pretty much on my own with little help from their mother. She always had excuses. She had a bad headache or wasn't feeling well or was too wrapped up in her online gaming to be able to pay attention to them. I worked nights and took care of the children during the day. It wasn't until they were both in school I was finally able to get some sleep. They knew I was always there for them.
As they got older we had our difficulties, as most families do. Teenage anger and angst, sibling rivalry, the normal stuff. Their mother grew more distant with fewer moments of interaction with them until we finally separated. Both boys were teenagers by this time, with my oldest already graduated from high school. They took turns staying with one or the other of us but I was still close with them.
Then things changed. Both were out of high school and moving on with their lives. They were still living "at home" as it were, one with each of us, for financial reasons. Thanks to varying schedules of work and school we saw less of each other until my youngest, who had been living with me, had to leave home. I was remarried and the company I worked for was sinking. We didn't realize it then but it was on the verge of closing. Regardless, it was time for us to move and he was old enough to be on his own. He and his girlfriend (who was spending several nights over already) would find their own place.
So now I rarely see either of my boys. Rarely hear from them, except when they want something from me. I know they haven't agreed with all the choices I've made regarding my own life, and I haven't always agreed with their choices either but have tried to support them emotionally since I can't do so financially. But we've grown apart.
Now for the goodbyes. Rather, I guess it's more of a "Kinda lingers...." I know I'll still hear from them now and then. I know they need to get on with their own lives. They're now sharing an apartment, away from both parents, in another city completely. I'm happy they're growing up to be good people. I tried to raise them to be so. Still, it's hard to say goodbye when we've gone from daily interaction of some sort to every few months. All I can do is stalk them from afar and hope for the best.
I know I'm not the first parent to go through this and certainly won't be the last. It's the way it is, the way it's been for ever, and the way it'll continue to be. But it's my pity party right now and I'll cry if I want to. I'll be happy after the coffee kicks in.
