Finding Solace

My mind is occupied with a lot of life shts lately. I felt my energy is being sucked by the negative thoughts, resulting in me being inactive. I tried to divert myself from the things that give me happiness but my mind is just troubled that I can’t focus on the stuff I am currently doing.

Luckily, my friend reached out and invited me to have a hangout. I immediately agreed to meet them. This is the chance to unwind and touch some grass.

It's been several months, more than a year, probably, since I felt mental and emotional stability. I remember back then that I enjoyed my own company, the things that I like to do, and my surroundings.

I miss the time when I can finish and publish one article/blog per day, watch Netflix at night, sneak into the kitchen late at midnight, and cook my favorite snack. All of those small things make me satisfied and happy with my life. But everything changed when you came.

Up until now, your memories still haunt me, stabbing my heart slowly, drowning me with your thoughts. No matter how hard I cut the cord, I’m still going back to you. How dumb and foolish I am.

Around 7:00 pm I met one of my close friends. It’s been a while since our last encounter. He changed; his actions became more subtle, he became quieter, and his aura changed into melancholic vibes. I noticed that the happy and energetic guy we know has shifted to a sadder version of himself.

I greeted him with a smile. He greeted me back, looking excited. We started to ask each other; hows life is, what's been up to, the things we currently do to keep us busy, and other things you might ask your friend when you didn’t see each other for a long time.

I can sense that sometimes he’s still reserved from our conversation. Maybe he’s not yet comfortable talking with me and sharing about the happenings in his life, which I understand because it's been a while since we talk casually. To loosen up the tension, I invited him to have dinner at the nearby fast food restaurant.

While we were eating, I abruptly and awkwardly shared what was bothering me lately. I am not used to opening up with someone especially in person because I feel awkward and corny. I can’t also express myself verbally. My mind can’t find the right words and actions to tell it. But I just cannot contain it and it's wrecking my inner peace.

I thought I was already okay. But like they say you should not tamper with freshly healed wounds. Looks can be deceiving but sometimes, it is still fresh underneath, healing continuously. It will take time to recover, especially if it's deep.

He seems to understand what I am trying to tell even though I am stuttering and can’t tell it directly. He also shared his current situation and struggles. He gave me some advice. He speaks from experience. I can feel that. Now I understand why he reached this point in his life. While he was talking, I can’t help but reflect and connect my situation to him. He’s just like me. The only difference is he resorted to using destructive coping mechanisms. He tried to escape his current struggles by finding happiness in other things. He’s numbing the pain without solving the reason behind it.

While talking, our phones vibrated. Our other friend notified us that she will arrive late. She’s currently in Tagaytay at that time because of some family matters. It’s a bummer but we have no choice but to wait and just spend time there. A moment after, she messaged again and told us to go ahead to their resto-bar. I can’t deny that this friend of mine is substantial when it comes to financing. The resto-bar were heading to is one of their family business. She said that as compensation, she will treat us. We will not pay anything.

We arrived there and one of the servers approached us and asked if we were the visitors they are expecting. They offered the menu without any hesitation even though it was free. I feel VIP that time, not gonna lie. But I am not used to that kind of treatment so we just told that we will just wait for our friend.

Around 9, I guess, my friend finally arrived. She glows differently; she’s more beautiful than before, and she looks elegant and sophisticated, yet she’s the same friend we met several years ago.

She excitedly greeted us, with a big warm hug. She apologized for being late. For us, that is not a problem. We understand so no ill feelings towards her. After that, a series of questions were asked her. One of the questions we asked is the state of her heart; if she’s dating someone or if she’s in a relationship status. She confidently said that she’s single and very happy with her life. Maybe if everything didn’t go spiral, I will be like her, happy with her current state, doing the things she loves without giving a fck to anyone.

We spend the rest of the night there. For a while, I forgot my problems. I was allured to the delusion of a temporary high. Maybe sometimes all you need is a company that’s willing to listen.