I started hyperventilating. I ran out of the room to get air and stumbled into Pat and leaving her room.
“C, are you ok? What’s wrong?!” She saw my face and immediately became concerned. I hugged her clinging to her slim body seeking some comfort. “Cleo, you’re scaring me. What’s happening?”
I couldn’t speak I handed her my phone with the photo of the New York Times front page with Sean arm in arm with the New York Senator’s daughter. Her eyes widened with shock, “You have got to be fucking with me!” She shouted. “Who sent this to you Cleo?”
“I don’t know”, I answered through the tears that now started to stream down my face. I felt like dropping to my knees and screaming to release the frustration and hurt that was welling in my heart and the lump that was at my throat. However, I didn’t. I angrily dashed the tears from my eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm the trembling in my soul. Pat started typing furiously on her phone, probably googling the article to make sure its real and from the look on her face as she stared at her phone it was very real.
“He’s a doctor?! What the fuck?! Cleo tell me you at least knew something about his background!”
I stared blankly at her. “Oh mother fucker! Are you fucking raas kidding me?!” she cursed. I still stood staring at her. I didn’t have words. I didn’t want to curse, or shout, maybe I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
“I’m pregnant.” Those were the only words I could muster. Then I turned and walked back to my room like a zombie.
“Bombo, Pussy, rassclaat Cleo noooooo!!!” She covered her face in disbelief. I couldn’t believe it either. I had just found out that same day. After taking several tests that came up positive I went to my doctor and it was confirmed by blood test. I was about two months along. I knew it was all my fault. I should have protected myself even if he didn’t. I accepted that, and I didn’t need a lecture.
Her string of expletives went from one ear and through the next. I started feeling numb. I wanted to lie down. I really didn’t need a lecture on how careful I should have been. I climbed into my bed and curled in a fetal position with my back to the door. I knew she followed me into the room and I felt the dip of the bed when she sat.
She didn’t say anything more. She hugged me and laid her head on my shoulder, offering what comfort she could. I didn’t feel comforted. I couldn’t feel in that moment in time.
“I’m sorry, C,” she whispered.
“Why?” I asked, feeling the beginning of the ice block forming at the base of my heart.
She was taken aback by my question and she didn’t have a response. “What will you do about the baby?” She asked instead.
“I don’t want it. I don’t want any part of him.”
She gasped at my statement surprised that I, Cleo, would say such a thing. “C, I know you’re hurting, but please think about this before you make any decisions. Please. There are many other options to consider that would not involve hurting the child or possibly yourself,” she reasoned. “You love him don’t you?” She asked.
“What’s love but a social construct made up by societal norms?” I asked staring blankly at my wall.
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!” I was brought back to the therapy circle in the church. I looked around and found that the voice belonged to a middle aged woman with name tag ‘Janet’. “You killed your baby because of this ass?!” Those were the kindest words spoken to me all night. “I got pregnant really young and aborted mi baby and now mi cyan have no children.” She said, sadness reflecting her eyes. Everyone seemed to be now captivated by the story.
“Did you abort the baby Cleopatra?” The doctor asked seriously.
“May I continue, please?” I asked after giving Janet an understanding smile.
He cleared his throat and responded, “Yes, please go ahead.”
“Cleo, that’s fuckery and you know it! You love him and he loves you! Something isn’t right. Let’s try calling the number that sent the message.” Pat exclaimed. I didn’t respond immediately. I continued staring at the wall. This time there was no helping the tears that flowed from the depths of my soul.
“No! I don’t care what happened! Nothing will erase this from my consciousness. Did you not fucking see that he’s GETTING MARRIED?!” I was at the top of my voice shouting. “Look at this pussyhole! Look pan him a smile inna har face!” I sat up crying hysterically now, “P, I hate myself! I hate myself for falling so hard and even worse for not being more careful! I fell so hard because all I could see was him, I yielded myself completely to him because he refreshed not just my body but my soul. Our spirits became one when we were together. I thought he was my soulmate,’ I sobbed. “There is no love, it is just a concept of the mind influenced by society.” I grabbed the iPhone and threw it into the concrete wall with all the strength I could muster, shattering it startling Pat with my vehemence.
“It’s ok C, we’re gonna get through this. I’m here and I’ll always be here.” She hugged me to her as tears welled and ran down her own face as if she could feel my anguish.
The months went by. We went to Barbados to complete our studies. I was happy that we went to Barbados because after deciding to keep my baby I didn’t want to have to explain anything to my mother or anybody else. I never heard anything more about Sean, and I begged Pat not to go digging for anything. I needed to focus on getting through school and raising this child.
The pregnancy was tough, I had severe morning sickness and almost went into premature labor twice because I was so stressed out with balancing school, a job and dealing with my emotions. The doctors feared at one point that the baby was too small and I wasn’t eating as I should. It was difficult, but I made the decision to carry my baby, so I was determined to try really hard. I couldn’t depend completely on Pat for everything. Chris made sure we were ok , checking in with Pat regularly. He visited Barbados when he had time off or when he didn’t have to tour with his artistes. He was extra attentive to me, I guess he was sorry about the whole Sean thing, but he was careful not to bring it up.
I was placed on bed rest when I reached my seventh month of pregnancy. Luckily, I could submit my assignments and do my exams online. Time by myself was spent studying and reading baby books. I did any and everything to keep myself from thinking about Sean or my time spent with him. That was harder than I thought because who knew that pregnancy hormones could make one so horny? To distract myself I spoke to my baby a lot. The baby stretched and wiggled around using my bladder like a soccer ball when I talked or read stories to my bump. I made the decision not to find out what I was having, I wanted it to be a surprise. I didn’t want to know that I was having a boy or girl to dwell on what characteristics of Sean he or she would have. Pat wanted to throw me a shower but I wasn’t interested in being around people, I just wanted my baby to be born.
And on September 14th, 2013, after 14 hours of arduous labor, Jazmine Alexia Lawrence made her entrance into the world, a mirror image of Sean. I loved her the minute I held into my arms, she became my whole world. All my time and energy was devoted to her and school.
“Cleo have you thought about dating again now that Jaz is almost four?” Pat asked me one Saturday evening as we took Cleo for her customary evening walk. Jaz walked before us stopping to play with a twig. She was a happy, chubby and healthy baby. Smooth chocolate skin, black curly hair probably the only thing she had for me, big brown eyes and an identical smile to Sean’s.
Gripping the handle of Jaz’s stroller I forced a smile and glanced at Pat a split second before turning my attention back to Jaz. I wondered if Pat could hear the buzz of my vibrator or my muffled moans in the middle of the night when I thought everyone was asleep.
“Nah, I’m good. I just wanna concentrate on finishing Law School and raising Jaz,” I answered. We decided to stay in Barbados after completing our degree, and complete Law School online, then sit the bar exams.
“You’re doing an excellent job by the way, Cleo. I always thought you were superwoman but now you really got that ‘S’strapped to your chest mama,” She smiled but there was a seriousness in her eyes as she looked at me.
“I couldn’t have done it without you, P. I don’t know where we’d be today without you and Chris. Thank you”, I said sincerely. “Plus Jazmine thinks you’re the one with the super powers, you are her toy, her playmate, just about anything she wants you to be!” I lightened the mood and deflected the conversation from me. Pat bought it and smiled broadly, her cheeks dimpling as she ran and grabbed Jazmine sweeping her into the air.
“Who’s the best aunty in the whole world Jazzy Wazzy??! She said excitedly as she held Jazmine aloft and twirled her around.
“Aunty Pat!” Jazmine squealed excitedly and bursting into giggles and kicking her chubby legs. I smiled at them. I was happy I distracted Pat, I didn’t want to talk about my night time ritual with my sex toy. I would often close my eyes and see his face and imagine my vibrator was his tongue flicking my clit or sliding into my wet pussy. I bit my pillow to stifle my moans as my back would arch off the bed on the wave of my orgasms. It was always the same – his face, his eyes, his tongue, his fingers and his sweet dick. Sometimes I slid the vibrator in my mouth after sliding it in my pussy pretending it was his dick and I was tasting his sweet flavor. I imagined that he tasted like strawberries and I remembered him whispering that I tasted like ripe cherries. Immediately my nipples became the tight little nubs I associated with my arousal and the walls of my pussy clenched. Maybe Pat was right. I needed to start dating again or better yet I needed to start fucking again, I didn’t want another relationship.
So, I did just that. I decided I would do this on my own terms. Why do men get to decide that they break our hearts and leave? Well, I will decide who I wanted to fuck and when. I didn’t need a relationship. My life, my terms. I decided to flip the game.
The Rogue Life
I worked as an intern at a law firm in Bridgetown as I completed law school and prepare for the bar exams. My supervisor, Michael was cute enough, he was always flirting with me. It made me uncomfortable at first, but then I decided why the fuck not? I started wearing my tight pencil skirts that accentuated my curves and butt, my tops showed off my perfectly round breasts that grew rounder after I gave birth to Jaz, with stilettos.
“Good work, today, Cleo,” he said to me after we completed a late evening preparing the leg work for an upcoming deposition. We were alone on our floor.
“Thank you, Michael,” I said coyly looking at him under my lashes pretending to pack my bags to leave.
“We seem to make a good team,” he said flashing me a smile. “Do you have any plans this evening?” He asked hopefully. I looked at him giving him my full attention. I looked from his well groomed face with dark but caring eyes, thin lips; then lowly down to his toned chest showing he worked out; lower to his covered dick, that portrayed that he was interested in more than my plans for the evening. My bold perusal of his body was affecting him. My eyes traveled the same path back to his face and I met his eyes. He looked a little uncomfortable.
“Why do you ask Michael?” I asked in an innocent voice.
“Look Cleo, I think you’re a very smart and attractive woman…” he started but I cut him off.
“Michael you want to fuck me” I said boldly. I wasn’t into games. People at work did not know about my life outside of the fact that I was studying to be a lawyer. I didn’t care to have small talk, telling people about my life or hearing about theirs. I didn’t care. People getting close to me was dangerous, way more dangerous than fucking my supervisor on his desk.
“I…wow…I…” he stuttered. I seemed to have shocked him. His pupils dilated and he swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.
I walked over to him and stood directly in front of him and said, “Why are you stuttering? Am I wrong?”
“No, you’re not wrong,” he said. I was close enough to him to catch a whiff of his Perry Ellis cologne.
“So, what are you waiting for?” Now my breasts were touching his chest, my lips almost touching his and his arousal was very present. I reached down and brushed my hand against his dick and that seemed to have given him the jump start he needed. He claimed my lips. I braced for the spark, the spark that I wanted so badly, but it never happened. I willed myself to stop thinking about and comparing him to Sean. I closed my eyes and willed my body to take the release that it cared without expectation. He groaned and deepened the kiss and his hands cupped my breasts and again I braced for the electric charged wire that attached my breast to my pussy but it didn’t spark. His hands felt clumsy clutching my breasts and frustration rang deep in me. I broke the kiss and used both hands to push him back on his chair.
He was about to protest because I guess he had his a-game going and I was stopping his flow. I put my finger on his lips and said, “Shhhh”. I reached for his fly and opened it releasing his thick dick. I guess I would have been impressed in another life, but I wanted to cool my own fire that’s been simmering for close to four years. “Condom?” I asked in his ear and bit his lobe.
He was too mesmerized by my hand squeezing his dick with just enough pressure to answer, he dug in his pocket and pulled out the foil. I grabbed it, tore it open and slid it on him while caressing him. I reached under my skirt and slid off my red thong pooling it at my feet. I shifted his no handle chair so that the back was to his desk, then I straddled his lap and slid unto his cock.
His eyes rolled back and he groaned loudly grabbing my hips as I rode him. My body was wound tightly and couldn’t loose it no matter how hard I tried. He was lost in his own world. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes and there was Sean’s face. I rode Michael making his toes toes curl and he muttered incoherently groping me without finesse.
I rode his dick wildly, with my eyes closed and Seans eyes staring into mine in my mind’s eye. Michael came loudly calling my name as he did. I was no where near ready to cum. I was just getting started.
“Cleo. You are amazing!” He said.
Disappointed, I jumped off his dick, my movements almost mechanical. I rolled my skirt down, picked up my underwear and tossed it in my handbag on my nearby desk. Grabbing the handbag, I turned and looked at him and said, “I know.”
I walked out and left him staring at me speechless.
At home that night, after everyone went to sleep, I found my vibrator and brought myself to the climax it craved.
The next day I wore a navy blue pencil dress that hugged my petite frame with matching stilettos. My curly hair was caught in a bun at my nape. The only make-up I wore was a little mascara and lipgloss. I wasn’t one for make-up. I probably didn’t know how to apply make-up to be honest. When I walked into the office I said my good mornings and headed to my desk. There was a bouquet of red roses waiting with a small card. I was a little surprised but I had mastered the art of hiding my emotions. I reached for the card and read it,
‘Cleo, you are amazing. Yesterday was amazing ‘
I replaced the card and instinctively looked across and saw Michael looking at me with aa smile on his face. I stared at him blankly, then sat down to begin my day. What the fuck did he think was really happening here? I thought as I fired up my PC.
“Hi Cleo. Would you like to have lunch?” He asked when I was about to go to lunch. I looked at him with the blank look and tried to force a smile, “I’m sorry, Michael. I use my lunch break to study and I usually carry my own food,” I responded as politely as I could.
“Cleo, is everything ok? You haven’t said anything to me,” he said softly so no one else could over hear him.
“Everything is fine. What exactly did you expect, Michael? And what do you want me to say?” I looked at the roses on my desk, “Thank you for the roses.”
“Cleo, I really don’t understand. Did I do something?”
“No Michael, there’s nothing wrong, honestly.” How do you tell someone that they’re not it for you and you’re not looking for a relationship? Why did he think I was looking for a relationship? I forced a smile and thought maybe I could give it one more shot. After all, he was my first since the beast.
He must have been comforted by my smile because he smiled back and said, “I hope I can see you later,” before walking away.
I sighed inwardly.
I just want a good fuck, that’s all! Why is getting a good fuck so hard?! Because, Cleo, you are measuring everybody to Sean. My subconscious berated me. I pushed the thought from my mind, took out my books and forced myself to study.
At the end of the day I sat at my desk and pretended to do some work, trying to tap down my annoyance. I decided to give it a fair try. Micheal was a nice guy but I hated the way he watched me all the time and I especially hated that he was becoming too familiar as if he wanted people to know that we had something going.
After everyone left he came up behind me and kissed my neck. The kiss was a little too wet for my taste. But again, I forced a smile, steeled myself and swung around to face him.
“Hi beautiful,” he said smiling. ‘God! Enough with the fucking small talk!’ I thought and rolled my subconscious eyes. My face took on my poker mask and I stared at him blankly and spread my legs hiking my dress up my thighs while I did so. His eye zoned in on my dark, toned legs and and followed my dress all the way up exposing the zip on the crotch of my black panties. His eyes widened and he licked his lips.
“Do you see something you want?” I whispered staring him dead in the eyes.
“You are so fucking sexy!” He breathed as he fell to his knees in front of me. He slowly undid the zipper on my underwear exposing my pussy. Spreading my legs, he started circling my nub of pleasure with his finger, then he slipped one finger inside of me, going as deeply as that finger could go.
“Have I ever told you how tight you are?” He asked looking up at me clearly enjoying himself. I didn’t respond, I stared. His head dipped and his tongue flicked out to taste my center and he groaned deep in his throat. “You taste so good! You taste like ripe cherries.” I stiffened infinitesimally at those words, the words Sean said to me when he found me after searching high and low. The movement was so small he didn’t notice. I steeled myself again and tried to block the image of Sean from my mind.
He continued his ministrations with his tongue and fingers while I sat there watching him. I knew I wasn’t going to cum. So I decided to fake it. I thought the quicker he thought I came the sooner he would stop without me having to ask him to. I gave him a good show, writhing and whining in his mouth and moaning softly. “You cum?” He asked me.
What the fuck?! He really didn’t know? What was that? Like 2 minutes of kissing my pussy? Fucking ass! I looked blankly down at him and slowly nodded my head and this fucker had the audacity to look smug.
“Michael, I have to go.” I said suddenly shuffling away from him.
“I thought you could return the favor,” he smiled suggestively.
“I really do have to go,” I said. And as if on queue my phone buzzed indicating an email. But I pretended it was an important text. I grabbed my bag and stood quickly adjusting my dress. He looked pained but I looked down at him and walked away without saying goodbye. I think his comment about ‘my taste’ was what rattled me the most, not so much the fact that he didn’t have a clue what he was doing.
I had to have a serious conversation with Michael, he became way too clingy in the weeks that followed, and I had already made up my mind not to let him near me again. I told him that I had bar exams coming up and I really needed to concentrate and I couldn’t be in a relationship with him. He was surprised and maybe hurt but it was best to tell him than to have him thinking that we had something going. We fucked once! He obviously enjoyed it a lot but I didn’t and I don’t think I ever will. He needs a sweet girl that has a heart to give. I couldn’t offer what he wanted. Furthermore, when Pat and I passed the bar exam we were moving back to Jamaica so she could be closer to Chris.
“Pat can we go to a club or something? We’ve been studying so hard, I just wanna unwind a bit” I texted her. I needed to fuck. Maybe I could find a good fuck at a club. Pat was unaware of the war that was raging in me and between my legs. I got a dildo in addition to my vibrator. I bought a can of whipped cream with that dildo, so I could pretend I’m licking the real thing.
“The sitter’s available for Jaz?” She typed back. You would think she was Jazmine’s other mom. She was super protective of her.
“Yea Candice is free. She’s coming over at about 7.”
“Alright let’s do it!” She responded.
The club was buzzing with people. We were given VIP passes of course because of Chris. Pat grabbed my hand and guided us to the dance floor.
“Let’s dance C. Maybe you can find someone in here to fuck you good and proper”, she shouted above the music. I was wearing a really short skirt and alter top with boots and pat wore a tight short black dress and stilettos. Both was caught in ponytails down our backs. Pat did my make-up. Eyeliner, mascara and a dark brown lipstick, hers almost identical accept for her harlot red lipstick.
The DJ played soca music to which we gyrated like true Jamaicans. While we were dancing the waitress made her way to us with with two glasses of what seemed like champagne, “Compliments of the gentleman by the bar,” she said while she pointed to the lone individual watching us. For a split moment I thought it was Sean and my heart stopped but when he turned he was no Sean. Pat urged me to go say thanks since he seemed to be staring at me. So I walked over.
“Thank you.” I lifted the glass but I didn’t drink the champagne I placed it on the counter.
“You’re most welcome, beautiful lady. Are you here with your boyfriend?” He said in a strong American accent. Quite different from the Caribbean accents around the room.
“No, just my friend and I”, I said as I turned my head toward Pat still dancing up a storm with the glass in her hand.
“You’re really beautiful” he said close to my ear.
“Thank you,” I said. And the poker faced blankness surfaced. That ice that had formed that day I saw the photo.
“My name’s, Joshua,” he extended a well tanned caramel muscular hand.
I forced myself to take his hand and shake, “Cleo”, I said. His hand held mine a few seconds longer. I stared at him. He had hazel eyes and caramel skin. He looked mixed, maybe half white.
“You are so beautiful!” He said again. And again I thanked him. I sensed this was getting awkward very quickly so I asked him to dance.
“Do you want to dance?”
“Sure. But I must warn you I’m not good at dancing,” he said.
“No worries. Just be you.” I grabbed his hand and marched through the throng of people to the dance floor.
He really didn’t know how to move to Caribbean beats but he gave me all the freedom to be all over him grinding my ass on his cock. I was so fucking horny, I was thinking briefly to myself that this was not healthy behavior and I needed to seek some kind of help. However, for now, Joshua was my flavor for the night. He was about 5feet 10 inches tall so he towered over my petite 5feet 1inch. He held me around my waist and started placing tiny haphazard kisses on my neck. It felt a little good, it wasn’t wet and awkward like Michael’s. I sure hope he could fuck because I felt like I was about to explode, I needed to cum. I grabbed his hand and went to the private VIP area. There were a few couples locked in lovers’ embrace groping at each other. I went to a back room where Chris and Pat went once when we came here before.
It was a huge space with mini private spaces with a curtain for privacy. It had a love shelf where u can put your things and a stool. I pulled him into one of the spaces and started pulling at his fly. He was groping my beasts pulling at the nipples that were small nubs between his fingers. He tried to kiss me but I turned my head away and his lips landed on my neck instead. I wasn’t into kissing, I wanted his dick inside me. I freed his straining cock from his pants and boxers and asked, “condom?”
He dug in his pocket and pulled out the foil packet. I didn’t have to take it because he started ripping it open , then he placed the rubber over his shaft. I turned, place my elbows on the shelf and bent forward exposing my barely covered and soaking wet pussy.
“Fuck”, he whispered as he rubbed one butt cheek while shifting my panties to the side. He slammed into me. That was unexpected but welcomed. I thought to myself, ‘yes, finally some descent fucking.’ He slammed in and out of me about four more times and then he was done. He groaned deep as he slammed deep in my pussy on the fifth go and that was it.
‘Raas! Bombo bloodclaat man! What do I have to do to get a good fuck?’ I thought as I pulled my skirt down and watched him fix his own clothes. The coldness came over me. I didn’t even get a chance to at least try to enjoy the sex.
“That was awesome!” He exclaimed.
I stared at him, “Was it? I didn’t notice,” I said sarcastically.
“You have the tightest pussy i’ve ever fucked! I hope I can see you again!” He was oblivious to my obvious disappointment.
“Really now?” I said blankly and walked pass him through the curtain.
“What’s wrong?, Cleo?!” He shouted after me.
“Do you really want to know?” I stopped and turned to him.
“Yes”
“You can’t fuck worth a damn! I fuck myself better than you!”
“Can I watch you fuck…”, he started, but I cut him off.
“Goodbye!” This time I didn’t look back as I stormed out and I went in search of Pat in the clubbing area. I found her at the bar having a Smirnoff.
My eyes glistened with tears when she saw me, and she ran to me, “What happened?”
“I fucking hate Sean!” I basically screamed. I brought him up for the first time in years to Pat. Luckily the music was very loud. “Pat I’m frustrated! I’m the only one who can pleasure me! Only he knows how to touch me like a man should touch a woman! I fucking hate him for doing this to me! I’m horny all the time! And I want HIM! Another woman’s husband!!!” Tears were now streaming and Pat hugged me to her.
“It’s ok, Cleo,” she soothed.
“Ive been hearing those words for a while now…It doesn’t seem like it. I wanna go home to my baby,” I said dejected.
“It doesn’t matter what u say in your frustration C, there’s someone out there for every one.” She hugged me to her side and we walked out.
When I got home I grabbed Jazmine out of her bed and hugged her so tight kissing her hair like Sean always did to me, “I love you Jazzy-poo.” Even in her sleepy groggy state she hugged me back and said, “I love you, mommy-poo.” She said sleepily using the nickname she gave me.
The time came for the Bar exams. After all the preparations we did, it paid off and it was time to move back to Jamaica. My baby was a bit sad to be leaving her friends but she conceded that she will at least have us. We didn’t do anything to celebrate as Chris had a whole celebration planned for us. Cleopatra the Corporate Lawyer and Patricia the Entertainment Lawyer, both head hunted and recruited by top law firms in Jamaica.
New Beginnings
We lived with Pat and Chris for a while until I got off my feet and got a place for Jaz and I. Pat and Chris were adamant that we stay, but I thought we imposed enough on their lives and it was time for us to stand on our own. I couldn’t remember a time I lived without Pat and it was hard at first but Jaz and I adjusted into our own routine. I loved this little girl so much, she was my world, my reason for existing, the reason I want to face each day. Being a lawyer was great, I was living my dream but nothing came close to being mommy to my baby, the gift Sean gave me.
“Jaz, you’re going to be late for school and make me late for work. Can you eat up please, baby ?” I said to her while I fixed pearls in my ears. I was wearing a navy blue fitted pant suit today. My baby had gown so tall. Her hair as curly as mine and her skin, eyes, face, demeanor, everything- Sean. I thought about him everyday and cried myself to sleep many nights doing this. After crying, I would reach for my trusty vibrator and brought myself some release.
Jaz was staring down at her cereal with a quiet, brooding expression. She looked so much like Sean the older she got, it was uncanny. “What’s wrong, baby?”
She looked at me sadly and asked, “Where is my daddy, mommy?”
I was so taken aback by her question that I froze. “Why…why would you ask that Jazzy-poo?”
“Is it because I don’t have a daddy, you cry in your bed at nights?”
Fuck! She can hear me! I thought frantically. I hope she didn’t hear the moans too. I bit my pillow so hard sometimes to stifle my scream as some of my orgasms were out of this world as I pictured Sean flicking, touching and sucking parts of my body unknown to anyone else. More often than I wish to acknowledge I was jolted from my deep dreams with his name on my lips. My pussy walls clenching and releasing the flow of my orgasm through my body. Those were the ones that caught me off guard and made me forget time and place basking in the endless abyss of pleasure. This clearly meant I have a problem and I need to get my sexual urges under control. Maybe I was a nympho. Maybe being with Sean was so good I was searching for that high he gave me but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I needed to keep my babygirl safe. Her 6 year old brain should not be trying to process the hurt and bitterness that was in my heart.
“Listen to me Jaz,” I held her shoulders and squatted before her looking deep in her eyes, eyes the replica of her father’s. “Mommy loves you with every thing that I have within me. And Aunty Pat and uncle Chris love you beyond what words can express.”
“Mommy, I know that, but I’m worried about you,” she wrapped her little arms around my neck and an overwhelming sadness overcame me and tears welled, ebbed and flowed from my eyes. I knew what I had to tell her to put a rest to the ‘daddy’ questions. My baby was way too smart and perceptive for her age. She was a quiet observer like Sean.
“Jaz, baby, your father is dead.”
“Ok that’s enough!” The outburst jolted me from my memories and brought me back to the present. “Why would you tell her that her father is dead?!” The doctor asked losing the cool control he held the entire meeting. The other members were quietly listening.
I turned my body in his direction and looked him squarely in his brown eyes, eyes that were oh so familiar and with the blank stare I perfected over the years I said, “Because you are dead to me, Sean…”
