I originally wrote a very different, very long post about breaking down another wall today. I was going to share it and who knows maybe at some point I will, but it doesn't really matter honestly because I've already let it go. Moral of the story I discovered another aspect of myself that I was neglecting, confronted it, and will be mindful going forward to not repeat that cycle. In the end that's sort of just what life is though isn't it? So let's talk about something else.
As I discover and break down these beliefs, learned behaviors, and let go of them, there's a recurring theme. Being aware of them, acknowledging them for what they are, and then letting go of them is enough. There's no need to define myself by what was or what could be. There's no need to hold onto that lesson as it has now been learned. I've gotten to a place now where once I release it, my method is writing, it's already gone. That's not what this post is about though. No, this post is about something more fundamental that I try to always be mindful of, but sometimes choose to ignore or forget. We are all one.
As I found myself doing something that I haven't done in a long time last night, I decided to meditate on why that is and what it's about. I tend to avoid externalizing my anger. It's not that I don't get angry, I just genuinely don't get angry at others very much and if I do it's usually fleeting. I get angry at myself. It's not something I do anywhere near as much anymore, but it still happens. Perhaps it comes easier to some, perhaps not. I honestly can't know that, but what's important is to examine why I actively choose that.
I don't blame others for being who they are and when I say that I genuinely appreciate most people just for being themselves, and the few that I struggle with are often in the business of violating the autonomy of others, I can't help but ask why I don't give myself that same courtesy? We're all one after all. Why do I get mad at myself for going in circles and running into walls and feeling blocked? It's because I expect better of myself.
Why do I expect better of myself? Because I like to delude myself into thinking I have more control over my life than I actually do. I know I don't and I've accepted that, but clearly I need a reminder sometimes. This tends to be when I run into a wall or begin to feel myself being disconnected from others and escaping into my own head to ridicule myself for not already fixing whatever the problem is. I can't speak for anyone else, but I can assure you that life inside of my own head can get very toxic if I spend too much time there.
Why is it like that? That's because I start thinking. Thinking way too much. Trying to out think what is and delude myself into believing that I have some greater influence over the Universe than I do. I know I don't, but I still like to pretend sometimes. That's okay though, after all I'm just here having a human experience like the rest of you and I can forgive you all for doing that from time to time. I might as well extend that same courtesy to myself.
The truth is I can't be better than anyone else and putting that expectation onto myself is insane. I know where I learned this behavior of always expecting myself to be better, I've committed to be mindful of it going forward. It's gone. Back to the point of this post. We are all one. Why is it triggering when someone else does to me the same thing I do to myself? We're all one after all. I suppose that's because we're mirrors.
When I'm faced with a mirror doing to me exactly what I do to myself it's hard to ignore it or dismiss it. I feel absolutely dehumanized and disrespected. I feel like I'm being mocked and that I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. We're all one after all. If you can't treat me as well as I treat you then that's your business. So why when you treat me like I treat myself do I get angry? It's because I shouldn't treat myself like that.
I should extend the same courtesy that I extend to others to myself. If I can be fine with you taking however long you need to get to wherever you're going, I can offer myself that same opportunity. If I can forgive you for being an asshole to me, then I can forgive myself for being an asshole to me. If I can have patience for you, I can have patience for me. We are all one after all.
The truth is I get frustrated when I feel there's a problem and I can't figure out why that problem exists or how to fix it. If I let myself dwell on it, I'll obsess over it. When I obsess over it, I create ruminating thoughts and the problem is really when I start listening to them. It's really just my subconscious telling me to go meditate and work through whatever I'm dealing with. Whatever anger I'm feeling is less about the situation and more about my feelings of inadequacies to work through them.
I'm going to work on being as kind and patient with myself as I normally am with others. That's only fair right? We're all one after all. Sometimes I just need a reminder. I don't need to get hung up on what I want, I get where I'm going when I get there. Where am I going? Well I could tell you, but it would just be me trying to plan out what I want and trying to make it happen. That's not really up to me though. My job is to be aware of myself, love myself as much as I love others (since I do everything backwards lol), and be mindful enough to have the patience to just let the story unfold.
Speaking of the story unfolding, it's obviously already doing that. That's one of the other things I talked about in the first post I wrote that didn't get posted. It is what it is. This one was the one that needed to exist anyway. This is the one I needed to be mindful of and meditate on. Did I learn a lesson last night? Yes. I learn them pretty much every day. They don't stop. They won't stop until I leave this place. That's okay though, they'll stop when they need to stop. I'm okay with that.
One thing I'm sure of, I love all of us. I do battle with my own mind to remember that every day and sometimes I win the fight and sometimes I get another lesson. That's okay though. I'm not perfect, if I was I wouldn't have any lessons to learn. I accept that we all have our own battles raging and our own journeys to become who we truly are. I'll do my best to not forget again, but if I do that's okay. I'll remind myself. Much love. Peace.
